Don't Misunderstand His Kindness

I admit to being guilty of over-thinking and over- analyzing. I over read the details in others actions and it's probably a sign of my own vanity. I want to see something, so I read the words and actions according to what I want them to be. I misunderstand the kindness then wonder why?!!

To be honest, I'm not used to such kindness  nor I know how to be that kind. I over-analyzed the kindness and now I wonder why?! I wonder why he's not into me :/ It was all just part of his personality and I didn't understand that ?!

I guess this world is full of kind individuals and I misunderstood his kindness. The problem is, I don't want to repeat my mistake and fall for a friend again ! Yet I find myself running endlessly in a closed circle. Hoping to find a way out...

Then there is the problem of me being broken beyond fixing ! I'm not ashamed of that, just a little embarrassed to admit it, and I hope it's not just me trying to replace what's missing. I know, I should face such a possibility that it might be nothing more than me trying to replace what's missing. So, I misunderstood the kindness for more than what it is...

There is a pattern here , I jump from one failed relationship to another and then wonder why it failed ?! Never really gave myself the time to heal, and then wonder why it ended the way it did...

To be honest, I'm starting to think maybe I misunderstood his kindness for more because I'm broken.

I hate to grow up but I have to grow up.

Now moving to him, he's charming and witty and it's hard not to fall for that baby face and deviant smile. For heaven's sake, he got 8/10 of my check list for a perfect man. However, I know that the timing is wrong for him and me to be more. There is a lot to say about him, but it's not the time or place to praise a man I do not own.

Now back to me, yes vanity is my sin, I know I need to stop falling for right man who doesn't feel the same way, for the wrong man in the right time, and for the wrong man in the wrong time. I have to take a break, a break from the world and myself, to redefine myself and correct what's wrong with me.

It's time for a new beginning, yes you can have lot's of new beginning as long as you want one...

The Grand Illusion

Can you pick up the odd in this picture?!

You can deny being fooled once or twice but you can't deny being blinded by the obvious. You can't deny the fact that we lose the bigger picture, the higher meaning, and the reason behind this whole life.

You lose yourself in the peruse of money, fame and happiness. You lose your health for the sake of that big promotion. You lose precious time with your family to work double shit for the sake of more money. You lose yourself for the sake of someone else. In the end, we all forgot the bigger picture.

You wanted fame to make your family happy! But now everyone think you are a self absorbed and self centered asshole. You wanted that big promotion, and work that double shift to get the money for whom ?! For your family?! The one that does not get to see you ?! They don't want the bigger house, the fancy car, the trip to France without you! You forget who you are and became the person you thought he/she wants, then what ?! You he/she is happy ?! How come when the person he/she loves is no longer there . Then you wonder why he/she left me?!

Isn't it obvious ?! It's because you lost the reason behind all this !

Now, You will sit in the dark corner of your room and think, how did I get here ?! have I done everything right ?! Why am I still unhappy...

Milo

Kinematics was my habit. So, I have always chosen the last chair in the class. Sitting in back watching how people interact. The 1st day people meet pretty much decide how their relation go,or wither they will be friends or not. I tend to give nicknames to the people I'm watch, sometimes it's nice, but most of the time it's mean ones. There was Mr.Hairy Face, Mr.Traditional, Mr.KnowItAll, Mr.LookAtMeI'mHot, and Mr. BabyFace.

Arctophilic I am, so Mr.BabyFace caught my eye. He was one of those smart, nice and act too polite for my taste guy :P. That summer course ended, with it most of the friendships I made. Then, my facebook showed a friendship request :O and it was Mr.BabyFace. Honestly, I thought he is mistaking me for someone else ! As the conversation between us progressed, I learned he added everyone from that course we took. We kept in touch for a while...

Pantosophic he was, amazed his knowledge I became. He was a philosopher, completely different for anything and anyone I know. His words can left your spirit up even if you were in the deepest whole. Painfully positive and has just the right amount of honesty. Dreamy on a solid ground reasonability. Every conversation with him is a journey to the unknown.

Lapideous my heart became, but he soften it. Gave me hope and sweet dreams. Dear friend in a very short time. Made me regret not knowing him up close. If time will take me back I would do things differently.

Adventure his mind, hidden behind the sharp looks and deviant smile. Hidden messages every where and I'm loving it . Lots I don't know about him but I know it's going to be a memorable journey.

Now, I'm done played the game and left it for you to figure it out Milo R.

Getting Over the Soulmate

I told you I love you once, twice, and many times after but did I tell I hate?! Did I tell you the sight of you nauseate me ?! Did I tell you the smell of you irritates me ?! Did I tell you, I hate your voice and I hate my name when you call for me?! Did I you, loving you was a mistake, I'll pay it's price for the rest of my life?!

I hate you as much as I loved you. I hate you as much as the tears I shed for you and myself. I hate you from the beginning till the end. I hate all my memories of you. I hate the ground you walk on. I hate the air you breath. I hate everything I loved about you.

Did I tell you how much I hate you ?!

I want to peel my skin off, because I can still feel your touch. I want to shave my head, because I can still feel your fingers in between my hair. I want to burn my lips until nothing left, because I can still feel your kiss. If I can take my heart out too, I would, because you touched it like no one before you ever did.

I went back to read every word I wrote about you, and I wish I could take it all back. Take away the good and the bad, I need nothing of those memories.

I started to pretend, I'm over you. Fooled everyone around me but not as much as I fooled myself. Up until I saw you walking down the hallway, then my heart started to race. With each step you toke toward me, I could feel my heart beat harder and harder. Then you pass by me as if I was a stranger. Now, I start to forget the good part of you. My heart beats start to slow, until I feel it turn to stone. All the good things we shared wasn't worth fighting for, at lest not to you. As you walk away with each step you take, I can feel the love for you fades away. I can feel my heart die again...

I refuse to shed a tear for you. I refuse to shed a tear for me, for I'm too strong, and too brave to be broken by you. I'm worth the smile and you are definitely, not worth the pain.

Now, I'm free, no hatred left for me to feel. No pain and no sorrow left, only the memories and some lessons for the future...

At the Worse Moment in Your Life

There are moments in life where you feel hopeless and helpless. Though, try to get out , think of a solution or even ask for help you find yourself alone and defeated. Your spirt is almost broken and your life is slipping away. 
Then I realized the only way to win is to survive and embrace every second of unhappiness. Live life to the fullest, this was my revelation and my road to eternal salvation. 

Good or bad  it's all worth living. A wasted time,  is the second you live without learning and evolving into a better self and a new existence.   

If you reached your dreams, you won nothing cause you just got what you deserve, there is no lesson learned in it. You worked hard so you got what you worked for. The true meaning of life comes from loosing, lostness, and defeat. From them comes the true meaning of life cause life is not fair its mean, cruel and vindictive.   

Knowing and believing in that, it should  leave you at peace with yourself. Knowing that you are powerless when it comes to heart matters make forgiving yourself easier. Knowing that the fault comes from being human, not from being you, makes it easier to accept your flaws. For they come from your nature not your wrong judgement. 

At the end we own our actions but not always own the motive behind them. 

So remember, forgiveness comes from within. 

Stationary Rotation

My words are plain and simple. So, don't look for hidden meanings behind the letters. I'm only a slave of words and giving you an open invitation to the desert of ignorance, I call a brain. Take as much space as you want and bring your friends too. Hold on to your set, here we go :)

It's a stationary rotation in an empty space. No sound, or light but you can see it going round and round yet stated in one point trying to make a point. Trying to make sense out of nonsense. Trust my words it's a stationary rotation in the space of unknown. Stationary rotation going no where yet you try to follow it's rotation. A stationary rotation you run after try to catch it or stop it but trust me there is no use cause it does not exist not in our sense of comprehension at lest. Yet we believe it exist.

Now you are sick trying to catch up to it's rotation going insane trying to make sense out of nonsense. Funny though, there is a way to make sense out of nonsense. Stop trying to understand it and just go with it. Go in endless journey of point list rotation. A stationary journey will lead defiantly nowhere. First you will get sick of all that rotating but then you will get used to it. Round and round stated in one point without realizing you become another stationary rotation...

Now you think you understand. You feel at peace happy with no answer, happy with the nonsense of a stationary rotation. You look down at those who refuse to follow the nonsense and you find them drawing in questions and a killing ignorance, yet they refuse the nonsense of a stationary rotation. Maybe they lost but at lest they know who they are, although burning without an answer they are at peace.

Dancing Stars

The sound of the ocean hitting the shore is music to my ear. I can feel the sand warmth beneath  me. It couldn't get any better but it did.

I watched the sky changing colors yellow, red, purple and blue. No artist can capture that magical change.  It's wasn't a clear sky but still just as beautiful. Between the clouds I saw them, two stars flickering and surfing side by side. They looked as if they were dancing. While I'm listening to hotel California by the eagles, I imagined them dancing and turning around with each flicker one of them take two step forward and the other one a step back. They were happy...

Now, one of them is fading away and the other one is flickering fast. As if it was begging it not go. A cloud came and covered it completely. Now it's alone, flying solo and flickering slowly. I thought I saw him crying, loaning to see his love again but I'm a sucker for romance so don't take my words for it... 

The lone star started to fade away too. With slow flickers, it started disappearing into the black purplish sky. I can't see them now, and somehow I know no matter how long I waited for them, they won't come back. However, I can only hope that now they can be together...

Simply Soulmate < 3

So far, it's been 48 days and I'm waiting for it to end. Not cause I can be pessimistic at times, but cause its a rule of thumb, as long as we live on a planet that moves there is no fixed truth. All good and all bad must come to an end. Although, it can change from good to GREAT! but so far we are happy and that's what matters.

I met my geek on "WhosHere", for those who don't know what it is :P just ask an iPhone user. We had the same taste in almost everything. However, we always agree to disagree. I told myself, smart people are hard to find so I'll keep him around. I never thought in a million year we will end up where we are now and if anyone told me I would have ran away as soon as possible. Cause again, good things never last.

He's NOT my knight in shining armor, the reason I won't call him my "knight in shining armor" is cause I don't know how to be a damsel in distress and he gets that about me. However, He's the light that lead me out of the fog. The moon that shines in the darkest hours of the night :). He takes my hand and point me to the way but never drags me to his way. In simple words, he's perfect for me.

He's secured, focused, and always clear as crystal. He got enough wit to rule but never dominates. Creative and innovative without a single cliché bone in his body. Also, geeky and funny, which is a rare combination these days. He takes my abuse with a smile but never let me forget it :P. He knows when to back down but never bow down, he's simply the MAN ;).

I ask myself what did life look like before him?! I simply got no answer. It's as if my life before him never existed and reality without him is fiction. The thought of losing him bring me tears but we made a promise never to part and I'll hold him to this promise.

We both live in our own made up world, in a parallel reality, so to speak. Somehow those two clashed down and it's merging into our perfection. It's perfected somewhere in the middle of compromisation from him and me :P.

I never believed in soulmates, but NOW I have to.

To the God of 2nd Chances

I have always questioned you, your existence and the reason. I was in constant search for the meaning, for a revelation that will get me to salvation. Whenever I'm about to run out of words , when I'm about to get to the end of all this mess, I find my finish line is disappearing like a mirage in the desert of my ignorance I find myself lost and looking again for everything I lost...

It's funny, when we find the answer but we don't like the package even before looking inside we start making baseless assumptions and empty arguments. However, when we lose the answer we realize how much it meant and the true value of it and again I'm lost looking for everything I lost...

Pride and ignorance are my sins, my gifts, my curse and my blessings. With my pride I can rule the world but lost the one I love the most. My ignorance was always the driving force behind my hunger for knowledge but was also the cause of all my mistakes...

Now I'm singing along " losing my religion" by Dia Frampton, thinking I lost a battle but not the war. I'm stronger, calmer and finally found my center. After all, all that circling in empty space paid off and I'm no more scared of the unknown...

I was afraid to let myself dream again, I was afraid to let myself go, sink in too deep. Didn't want to be another Alice hiding in the shadow of my dream from reality and the unavoidable truth. No matter how ugly the truth was, some facts about it never change. One, we all know what it is but we chose to look away from it. The 2nd, you can't move on without looking at it, admiring it's ugliness and wondering how could you miss it?! You can't move on without mooring you broken spirit and your wounded pride...

However, part of the beauty of this world, it will keep throwing shit and flowers at you and let you chose which one you want to look at and take. Never take the power of 2nd chances for granted, cause no one can grantee it will come back....

And I'm still singing "losing my religion" but I won't lose my faith and although I'm hurt, blinded and fooled, I'm not giving up cause I believe in the god of 2nd chances. The only thing I lost was just a dream but no wast of time cause a lesson was learned...

That what I learned about myself :) what did you learn about yourself?!

Smoke it ;)

Yeah, people it's about freakin weed and why it should be legal. Warning, this post is going to be filled with some classic stoner's slang. So, enjoy yourselves XD

So, I have been accused of being a Stoner since many years ago. Maybe because I'm well educated when it comes to weed or the fact that I act and talk like one sometimes. To be honest, I found acting like a stoner sometimes made my life easier. I mean, imagine living without a worry or care wouldn't that be a freeing and refreshing. Don't get me wrong, I'm all about hard work and achieving your maximum potentials. However, every now and then we all wish if we could relax and blow a stick or at lest get a hit to help us forget the moment.

It's times like tonight when I'm heartbroken and having an exam tomorrow that I'm sure I'm going to flunk, I wish, I had some Budda, hubbly bubbly, and just smoke off the pain. So, I can forget about the past and tomorrow, and just live in the moment to the fullest.

I'm not talking about shit like an A-bomb or banano, just at lest a ditchweed won't hurt every now and then :P. I honestly think, it will reduce the crime rate in the country. Just think of the reason that make humans commit crimes, most of it can be summarized in their personal problems. So, imagine a thing that will make you forget all those problems. To me forgetting the problem is part of solving it XD. Not convinced, :) the crime rate in Amsterdam is lower than any other metropolis. Of course, I wanted to compare it with the crime rate in our beloved country but it's impossibles due to insufficiency of data XD.

So, light up a Pin or even better get yourself Phillies Blunt and smoke the pain away. For a day, spoil yourself and become another Viper and let your worries fly and disappear with the smoke...

I swear, I'm not a Stoner :P

P.S. If you didn't get any of the slang I'll be happy to explain :D