Black Coffee

Day 1 

Ms. How do you like your coffee?!

I want it black as my hair and stings harder than my words.

Day 13

Ms. How would you like your coffee?!

I would like it darker than the color of my eyes and larger than my heart.

Day 01

Ms. How do you like your coffee?!

I want it darker than my nights after he left me and more bitter than my tears. 

Day 14

Ms. How would like your coffee?!

I want it darker than my soul with a smell more stronger than my perfume.

Day 25 

Ms. How do you like your coffee?! 

I want it strong enough to raise the dead form their graves and more twisted than me if that even possible... 

While the magic comes from words, the mystery of the ages lies within the numbers.

My Life as a Medical Student

As my collage years came to an end, an overwhelming feeling of fear mixed with joy and proud take over my soul. Though I know, that my journey just began I can't help but feel that I have finished enough to make me die happy tomorrow. I still remember that girl who walked through the girls collage and thought that she owns the sun in one hand and the moon in the other hand. I was a god devoid of emotion, a machine hunger for success, I was simply ....

I thought I'll cure cancer, I thought I own my destiny, I thought I'm the reason for it all to be and the true queen of medicine which I knew nothing of at that time ! I won't say I own medicine now but what I know about this profession surpass the books and science. I learned that medicine is an art, manners and attitude before you learn the science you should own the attitude, manners and be talented in this fine art...

I learned in my 6 years of struggle that life is about more than the books and mathematical equation. When I look back I can't believe that I wanted my life to go by certain rules and expected the rustles to match my calculations. I thought, life is all about being logical and reasonable but didn't expect life to be so illogical and unreasonable. I realized that I was trying to make sense of no sense. I was simply inexperienced and naive. I was still a child who needs to grow up ! And I did grow up during my 6 years.

6 years I have faced in it all what you can face in a life time. I faced failure, heartbreaks, sickness and betrayals. It was a memorable time from which I learned a lot ! Nowadays, just the idea that life still hides a lot for me, scares me, to think I still have to endure more of this shit makes my knees crumble in fear and my only consolation is that I'm proud of who I am today and if what's coming is going to change me to a better person then I don't mind the heartache, betrayal and sickness...

Jaz

Jaz was one of the 1st people I met in med school. From the 1st minute, I was drawn to her unique, artistic personality, her confidence and her cool curly hair. Jaz and I worked perfectly together in med school, she was a perfectionist and I knew how to turn that perfectionism into perfect product pleased both of us.

However, when it came to life matters Jaz and I had different opinions. She was simply human and I couldn't understand that. I wanted that intellectually stimulating creature to be realistic,  devoid of emotions, I wanted her to be like me. That cruel part of me was hard for her to understand, hard for to live with and for that we have fallen apart.

Time past and we remand civilized to each other. I have taken a step back away from her for a while and I wish I didn't. Now when I look back, I regret that because I wasted precious time we could have had spend it together. I missed the intellectual conversations that's we used to have. I realized that I won't find someone who stimulate me like her. I grow to appreciate her sensitivity and humanity. Probably, some of it have rub on me and I became more respectful of her.  She's an artist and in need of someone who understand that side of her. A gentle soul craving affection. Her beauty lies within her complexity. Once you decipher those codes you will realize, she is a sane girl in a crazy word.

The thing about Jaz that I admire the most, is her strength. Fighting cancer, overcoming her parents drama, she's just simply amazing ! She's been my inspiration for the past 5 years. God bless her, if it wasn't for her I won't be the person I am today. Though, I don't show my appreciation always, I'm hoping she realize it in the tone of my voice. The time we had will be forever lasting in the little pink room I keep for her and just for her in my castle.

Last but not lest, like a smooth Jazz song Jaz will one day excel and become an unstoppable force in this world, mark my words...

The Castle in My Head

I started building up my castle when I was 6. Each year I add a room, give it new colors, and change the decor. My castle was small, similar to the one any child would draw. It was white with green bricks on the top. It used to have a beautiful garden in the back and a big fountain with crystal clear water running in it in front of the castle. It was a beautiful catoonish castle.


I used to run to my castle when things get tough, I used it as my study area and the place where I keep all my secrets. I had a library there where I keep all the books I read and all the things I learned. I go there and pick up the book I need then move to my thinking room.  My thinking room was all made out of mirrors with a big chair in the middle, I sit in it for days to solve whatever problem I'm facing and sometimes I just use it to be alone with myself. 

The place was beautiful up until I became 8 years old, for a reason I prefer to keep unknown, I changed. My castle changed and with it my whole life have changed. The castle no longer white, it's colored black and the bricks became red. The fountain has red colored liquid running in it and the garden in the back is dead. I didn't care for these changes because I spend most of my time inside now. 


The castle did not change much from inside it just become a little dark and added some rooms in it. I have my hiding room now, a little dark room where I run away from my demons. A dreaming room, where I go when I'm sleepless. All which seems just away of me trying to accommodate with the new reality I live in. My library got bigger and it getting bigger and bigger each year. Now, it's the biggest room in my castle. I keep my books in alphabetical order and subjectively divided. It's probably the most organized part of my brain. 

I still run back to my castle when things in my life become too complicated or simply if I want to study for a hard test. However, lately it's been hard. My castle seemed to be upside down and I can barely find my way inside it. I don't know if this a reflection of what's going inside my head but I know I need to fix it...

Vanity

Vanity was always my favorite sin. Of all the sins, this is the one I can't get rid of. It's not as if it's my fault, I'm only driven by my ambition and my ambition is probably bigger than me. To fulfill this ambition I have to scarify a lot and that what makes my vanity grow even bigger. The feeling that nothing in this world is worth loosing my ambition for, makes me feel powerful and independent. This all feed my vanity and sense of self fulfillment.

This vanity became my friend and I loved my powerful soul. This soul that does not need anyone, does not lust for anyone and most certainly alone. I realized the bigger your ambition is the more likely you will end up alone. This is because, with achievement comes the feeling of independence and therefore you start thinking you don't need anyone in your life or having a person in your life will slow you down. You start isolating yourself and with this isolation your head become more and more clear. Now, you met someone you like and give up that person because you are afraid you might lose your focus.

Time pass, you have achieved your full potentials. You have everything you dreamed about and more. Now what ?! you career is perfect, everyone envy you but they don't know you go to sleep alone, and they don't know you are dreaming about that guy/ girl you have left when you were young because time was not suitable with your ambitions. The question is if you were happy then why aren't you happy now?!

Your vanity takes over and you start trying to convince yourself, I have done everything I wanted and more. However, there is always a tiny voice in your head wonders, what if ?!

What if I didn't let that person go?! What if I told that person how much I loved him/ her?! What if I toke that trip?! What if I became something else?! What if I chose an easier major?! What if I wasn't me?!

Lots of questions will come up to your mind, when you stop being blinded by your ambition. Then, you will wonder what if?!

You Do Not Understand Me

It's the words you say without knowing what hurt me the most. It's the things you don't mean what torment me. I don't blame you for them and I'm not mad. You don't understand me that's all I want you to know.

"I'm disappointed" he said...

To you, it's just an expression of what you are feeling because I'm a woman who gets jealous for the guy she likes. You don't get me because by saying that you insulted my femininity, and you have insulted the feelings I carry for you. Your disappointment burned me because I want you to look at me with the same admiration I carry for you. I don't want to be less than perfect for you.

"Very low of you" he said...

He thinks I should be fine with him ignore me for no clear reason. He thinks I shouldn't go crazy and he thinks I shouldn't say "I love you". I have to admit, I am ashamed of the last one. It was too soon but I couldn't help it because this is how I felt. He doesn't know I did not want to go out with him because I know how deeply I cared for him and because I knew that falling for him is unavoidable. I know I'm not in my strongest days and maybe I'm confused but that's what I truly believe I felt.

Things he does not understand...

I'm not strong and I'm not brave. I lack confidence and I say what I don't mean. I make mistakes all the time but I know when to apologize. When I make fun of you it's just my way of saying you make me nervous. I look like someone who has it all together but I'm as messed up as woman can be. Beside all the contradiction in me, I'm the most honest person you can find when it comes to the way I feel about you. I don't need your time, money, or anything a girl would usually ask a guy. I only want your heart and that would be more than enough for me.

I'm not brave and I'm not strong, please M.R. don't mistake me for one.

RumRum Evolution

I have witnessed lot's of changes in my friend and sister Maram AKA RumRum. She have evolved from the loner, self containing and one tracked minded medical student to a more life filed and fun friend we know today. It's no secret that I didn't like Maram in 1st, 2nd, and 3rd year but that's only cause I didn't know who she really was...

Maram hide her true color from the people around her, cause no one can understand the true color of innocence in this day and age. She is hard on herself wither she's right or wrong. Still unrealistically idealistic, looking at the world from through her innocent eyes. Trying to understand the irrationality in this world. No matter how hard she can be on herself still reality hunt and torment her, for she can not accept the human in her. She can not accept the true nature of this world. She still refuses to be a part of this unfair equation. All that just add to the beauty of her soul...

I guess what I'm really proud of and think RumRum was able to improve a lot in was, she can show more compassion and understanding to others. Although, she's still hard on herself, she's finally able to accept the flaws in others and she's trying to understand it. Which is not easy to do when you see the world through her idealistic prospective.

When it comes to love, she have matured beyond what I thought she will reach. I'm even learning from her young experience. Though I don't show that, but I have learned some valuable lessons from her. She taught me how important it is to shield your heart and that no one is worth it. She taught me that my heart is made out fine silk and I shouldn't leave it to anyone to play with. I know I'm a lousy student and it will take me a long time to really get it but I appreciate every advice she gives me. 

Finally, I know that no matter how far apart the future will take us, I will always be there for her and she will be there for me...

Biggest Mistake (I Love You)

Biggest mistake of my life, I don't have just one, I have a list -___-" ! Though, my mistake are uncountable, I'm only ashamed of few, and those few will torment me to the rest of my life.

My mistakes range from extremely embarrassing to totally illegal but I can't forgive myself for the ones involving my heart. I can't forgive myself for me putting my heart out there. I can't forgive myself for letting my heart vulnerable to getting heart by anyone. I can't forgive myself for saying I LOVE YOU !

I have always been preserving in saying it and toke my time before spelling it. However, sometime I'm overwhelmed by emotions and lose my senses. Then, I find myself regretting it, either because that person is not worth it or because it's not mutual. I don't know if I had poor judgment or I just don't like listening to the sound of reason in me. In both cases it always my fault, I fell for the wrong man and now I'm lost.

Sometime I think, I might hate myself secretly that's why I'm always setting myself up to get hurt. I start giving excuses to myself but the truth is, it's just another poor judgment I made. Though, my feelings might be real but my timing was wrong.

Another reason was,I put so much trust and hope in people I barely know and that's just a recipe for pain and betrayal. Then, I ask myself the stupid question of why is this happening to me?! -__- Stupid !

Maybe, I'm not as evil as I thought. Maybe, my heart is too pure and incontinent that's why it's too hard for me to understand people and too easy for me to fall for them.

In the end, I always own my mistake and try to change. Though, I usually fail but still get up and move on.

Kony 2012

I first learned about child soldiers around 10 years ago in an online article. After that was the ABC documentary named child soldiers, then the invisible children documentary. I followed the progression of this phenomena in central Africa, and mainly Uganda and Kenya. The story touched me deeply but there wasn't really anything we can do about, nor did I hear of anything local, i.e. in KSA, so I can participate in.

Then came this documentary which puts a face to who is behind all this, Joseph Kony. Kony is head of the Lord's Resistance Army. You can read about him in the link Joseph Kony  . This  monster was the reason behind child soldiers, he abduct kids and recruit them as soldiers and in order to break them he make them kill there parents. He uses the girls as sex slave, and anyone who tries to run away is tortured and killed. Kony makes those kids commit the most heinous crimes, and rip them of their childhood. A child after that will never be able to function in any normal society.

What I would love you all to do is watch this documentary and if you can help, do so. If you can't then just spread it, maybe the word will reach someone who can...

Don't Misunderstand His Kindness

I admit to being guilty of over-thinking and over- analyzing. I over read the details in others actions and it's probably a sign of my own vanity. I want to see something, so I read the words and actions according to what I want them to be. I misunderstand the kindness then wonder why?!!

To be honest, I'm not used to such kindness  nor I know how to be that kind. I over-analyzed the kindness and now I wonder why?! I wonder why he's not into me :/ It was all just part of his personality and I didn't understand that ?!

I guess this world is full of kind individuals and I misunderstood his kindness. The problem is, I don't want to repeat my mistake and fall for a friend again ! Yet I find myself running endlessly in a closed circle. Hoping to find a way out...

Then there is the problem of me being broken beyond fixing ! I'm not ashamed of that, just a little embarrassed to admit it, and I hope it's not just me trying to replace what's missing. I know, I should face such a possibility that it might be nothing more than me trying to replace what's missing. So, I misunderstood the kindness for more than what it is...

There is a pattern here , I jump from one failed relationship to another and then wonder why it failed ?! Never really gave myself the time to heal, and then wonder why it ended the way it did...

To be honest, I'm starting to think maybe I misunderstood his kindness for more because I'm broken.

I hate to grow up but I have to grow up.

Now moving to him, he's charming and witty and it's hard not to fall for that baby face and deviant smile. For heaven's sake, he got 8/10 of my check list for a perfect man. However, I know that the timing is wrong for him and me to be more. There is a lot to say about him, but it's not the time or place to praise a man I do not own.

Now back to me, yes vanity is my sin, I know I need to stop falling for right man who doesn't feel the same way, for the wrong man in the right time, and for the wrong man in the wrong time. I have to take a break, a break from the world and myself, to redefine myself and correct what's wrong with me.

It's time for a new beginning, yes you can have lot's of new beginning as long as you want one...