It’s been a while since I had this kind of clear realization of my own mistakes and to be honest it’s because I allowed myself to be consumed with the life I didn’t envision for myself. It’s the sin of a visionary if I may say so 😝.
So tnight, during the weeping session over a future I lost because I married the man I love. I got a visit from Aphrodite, she held me in her arms and she allowed me 10 min of tears. Within 8 min I was relieved but she forced me to cry the remaining time just so there is no hate left inside of me.
She then asked me why I was crying over a future that was never yours, to begin with.
Demo: Never been mine ?! No, no, no, B***H!!! I don’t fail! I mean this is why I’m crying because I feel like a failure like I have lost something in exchange for something less something that does not meet my expectations.
Aphrodite: But did you get less?! Think about it. You chose the man you thought will give you support to reach your limits and beyond. That “BEYOND” you never could have envisioned it cause it’s beyond YOU!
Demo: -_-“ I got it, move along, please.
Aphrodite: You are a Scientist, you never thought you could do that. You used your medical education throughout your career in pharmaceuticals and furthered your education with a master's. You worked from drug development to drug regulation/ investigations and now drug discovery, too. You have worked for a Fortune 500. On top of all that you found a new prime directive to work in project management. I think he gave you more than what he has taken. But you only kept asking for more cause that is who you are. You are never happy cause you are never satisfied with how happy you are. Even if that is true, one must admit he does not make it easy either -_-“.
Demo: Thank you for that last one you were getting too far there. I thought I may try my new martial arts on you goddess of love 🤬.
Aphrodite: Settle down Bruce Lee.
Demo: F**K B***H.
Of course, we got in a fight and she won cause of course “Goddess of Love” blah blah blah.
So I got in bed with him. Just as I thought, he is sleeping throughout that story, cause why not -_-“. However, I’m here to just fall asleep and I was so cold even though the room wasn’t so cold. I got closer to him to warm my hands. You see I know how warm he gets at night. He was just as warm as I hoped he would be warm in his words and actions towards me in the mornings. Then it hit me, that even in bed I want steel his warmth that even in his sleep I robbed him of his warmth. I just want more and maybe that is truly the best he can do. Maybe when it’s the morning, I have robbed him of all his energy and he just got none left to give.
He is neuro-atypical and I should love that part of him just as much as I loved every other part of him. Because how can I hate any part of my daughter even if it was the part that causes my unhappiness in this marriage. Maybe he was right maybe the nonbelievers like me are here on earth to give to the believers what they asked of their gods. To be gods tools on earth 🤨 kind of?! -_-“. Either way, he gave me what he owed me and that is true. He also gave me what I couldn’t have imagined for myself. To be a mother I never thought that would be something I would venture towards willing but differently worth it. I just have to dig deeper and reach further just so I can find more because he deserves it.
