I know this post will be hated from Rum Rum and Ms. S but I believe it's a topic worth looking at and discussing it. If you think I should not talk about it you are allowed to say so but pleas tell your reason for that, and if you have something to say just say it with respect.....
Those who know me, know that I'm addicted to two things Coffee and Lollipops. Unfortunately, eating lollipops, for some reason, is not socially accepted as drinking coffee in public :S . I learned what it meant exactly when I heard Lil'Wayne song Lollipop and I think it's a disgusting song :@ . However, it got me thinking at what age an image of a girl with a lollipop stop being cute and start getting encrypted with sexuality. Also, who made that meaning and when??!
Would you eat a lollipop in public??! what do you think when you see a girl or a boy doing it ??! at what age do you think a girl or a boy should stop eating lollipops in public??!
Regarding me, I will eat them in public cause I believe that a perverted person will find something to be perverted about and it does not have to be my lollipop. As far to why I love them, when I have a lollipop in my mouth I'm back to that age where I had no worries, where the border of reality and an imagination dissolve, when I believed that my parents knew all life secrets, and to the time when I was real.....
So, why do I have to hide it ?! why do I have to be ashamed of who I'm ?! why do I have to pretend that I'm someone else for people to respect me?!
Finally, what did you think when you first saw me eating a lollipop? pleas tell the truth :P
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
It's a Party in My Head - Part 2
People this is not a drill. I'm hearing voices, so run for your life. Nooo, it's just a joke :D but my friend Ms. Rum Rum thinks I should not say thing like that cause people will believe it. Now, me being so twisted, I was like so what?! i don't care. I never claimed to be sane nor I ever wanted to be one. I have learned that all the crazy people are at peace and the so called sane one are not. I honestly believe that it's because we all are fucked up inside and the different between the sane and the crazy individual is that crazy people have stopped pretending they are fine while the sane ones still struggling with reality. Let's not take this any longer and go to our topic which is the people in my head...
Last time it told you I manged to make one of them cry and ever since I had a crying voice and two arguing in the back of my head. However, for some reason I am starting to get used to their present in my head but the headache still kills me sometimes. Anyway, I still have a couple of voices free hours every now and then and instead of enjoying them i decided to try talking to them when the are quite. So, this is what happened.....
My voice: will you nice voices in my head talk to me?! pleas :)
...... "nothing"
My voice: I'm welling to listen I swear :D
...... "nothing"
My voice: either one of you answer or I'm going to smash my head into the wall :@ I'm serious.
as I was about to bang my head into my bedroom wall....
Voice no.2: STOP!, don't do it you will hurt your head.
My voice: why do you care it's my head, and don't pretended that you care cause if you did you would not have drove me to the edge of insanity :@
Voice no.2: I'm sorry but you brought it on your self .
My voice: sure I did by talking to you :@>>> I'm really cranky :S
Voice no.2: you asked to talk, I did not start the conversation, you did.
My voice: really, are you going to play this game with me.
Voice no.2: I don't play games, I only state facts.
My voice: I like that but I hate you , anyway who the hell I'm talking to this time??!
Voice no.2: I'm someone you now and cherish :)
My voice: :S, will give me a break. I'm talking to my self .
Voice no.2: hahaha, well I thought you would recognize me right away but I understand you must be tired . I'm the sound of reason and logic .
My voice: No joke, really there is something really wrong with me.
Voice no.2: I know .
My voice: :@ OK, give me a logical explanation to what is happening to me :S
Voice no.2: well you see, you are me and I'm part of you. I can not know what you don't know nor I can tell you what you don't want to hear.
My voice: so, basically you are of no good to me, are you?! let me speak to someone else.
Voice no.2: :S you manged to break your heart and the other one is still mad at you
My voice: who is the other one ??
Voice no.2: of course you don't know cause you never care.
My voice: either you talk to me or I will crack my head open :@
Voice no.2: easy girl, there is no need for threats. the other one is your conscience and the reason why we were arguing is cause it want to die.
My voice: I thought I killed it already :S why it still there?
Voice no.2: you are one hopless girl
My voice: I know :D
Voice no.3: why do you hate me so much :'(
My voice: who are you ? I can't see you remember.
Voice no.3: I'm your conscience....
My voice: Oh, still there just go and kill your self, will you?!>>>> suddenly the noise got louder and louder .
My voice: stop just stop, I'm sorry just stop it.>>> it stopped
Voice no.2: you can't live without conscience you know that, don't you ?!
My voice: I know :@ but I wish I could cause then i won't have any worries or fears ...
Voice no.2: is that what you really think ? your conscience is not the source of your fears and worries. It comes from your actions and reflected on your conscience not the other way around .
My voice: WoW you are good :) OK, so what is the problem with my "conscience" ?! why it want to die?
Voice no.2: cause your conscience thinks you don't care for him .
My voice: it's true, I don't, what's new about that :S
Voice no.2: well, if you are not welling to do the right thing we will stay arguing until you reach an answer.
My voice: is that a threat :@
Voice no.2: No, but no one can help you if you are not welling to help your self.
My voice: there is no winning with you , is it ?
Voice no.2: can any one win an argument with them self !!
My voice: OK, so what I'm supposed to do ?
Voice no.2: you know the answer to that...
My voice: confess my sins, is that it ?
Voice no.2: your conscience just want a relief, any kind of relief.
My voice: OK, tell my conscience I will confess very soon but not today.
I promise.....
Last time it told you I manged to make one of them cry and ever since I had a crying voice and two arguing in the back of my head. However, for some reason I am starting to get used to their present in my head but the headache still kills me sometimes. Anyway, I still have a couple of voices free hours every now and then and instead of enjoying them i decided to try talking to them when the are quite. So, this is what happened.....
My voice: will you nice voices in my head talk to me?! pleas :)
...... "nothing"
My voice: I'm welling to listen I swear :D
...... "nothing"
My voice: either one of you answer or I'm going to smash my head into the wall :@ I'm serious.
as I was about to bang my head into my bedroom wall....
Voice no.2: STOP!, don't do it you will hurt your head.
My voice: why do you care it's my head, and don't pretended that you care cause if you did you would not have drove me to the edge of insanity :@
Voice no.2: I'm sorry but you brought it on your self .
My voice: sure I did by talking to you :@>>> I'm really cranky :S
Voice no.2: you asked to talk, I did not start the conversation, you did.
My voice: really, are you going to play this game with me.
Voice no.2: I don't play games, I only state facts.
My voice: I like that but I hate you , anyway who the hell I'm talking to this time??!
Voice no.2: I'm someone you now and cherish :)
My voice: :S, will give me a break. I'm talking to my self .
Voice no.2: hahaha, well I thought you would recognize me right away but I understand you must be tired . I'm the sound of reason and logic .
My voice: No joke, really there is something really wrong with me.
Voice no.2: I know .
My voice: :@ OK, give me a logical explanation to what is happening to me :S
Voice no.2: well you see, you are me and I'm part of you. I can not know what you don't know nor I can tell you what you don't want to hear.
My voice: so, basically you are of no good to me, are you?! let me speak to someone else.
Voice no.2: :S you manged to break your heart and the other one is still mad at you
My voice: who is the other one ??
Voice no.2: of course you don't know cause you never care.
My voice: either you talk to me or I will crack my head open :@
Voice no.2: easy girl, there is no need for threats. the other one is your conscience and the reason why we were arguing is cause it want to die.
My voice: I thought I killed it already :S why it still there?
Voice no.2: you are one hopless girl
My voice: I know :D
Voice no.3: why do you hate me so much :'(
My voice: who are you ? I can't see you remember.
Voice no.3: I'm your conscience....
My voice: Oh, still there just go and kill your self, will you?!>>>> suddenly the noise got louder and louder .
My voice: stop just stop, I'm sorry just stop it.>>> it stopped
Voice no.2: you can't live without conscience you know that, don't you ?!
My voice: I know :@ but I wish I could cause then i won't have any worries or fears ...
Voice no.2: is that what you really think ? your conscience is not the source of your fears and worries. It comes from your actions and reflected on your conscience not the other way around .
My voice: WoW you are good :) OK, so what is the problem with my "conscience" ?! why it want to die?
Voice no.2: cause your conscience thinks you don't care for him .
My voice: it's true, I don't, what's new about that :S
Voice no.2: well, if you are not welling to do the right thing we will stay arguing until you reach an answer.
My voice: is that a threat :@
Voice no.2: No, but no one can help you if you are not welling to help your self.
My voice: there is no winning with you , is it ?
Voice no.2: can any one win an argument with them self !!
My voice: OK, so what I'm supposed to do ?
Voice no.2: you know the answer to that...
My voice: confess my sins, is that it ?
Voice no.2: your conscience just want a relief, any kind of relief.
My voice: OK, tell my conscience I will confess very soon but not today.
I promise.....
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Brain Person VS. Heart Person
I saw ROROmania , Princess, and Jaz sitting together so I thought 'll drop by and say hi. I went to them and we started talking and i asked RORO if she read my blog. She thought it was good but she did not expect that me a 'brain person" as she described it will fall in love. I got defensive and said" falling in love is part of being human and being a person who uses his/her head or heart does not make you immune to it". We started discussing what it meant to be a heart or a brain person then I added " I think i have a topic for my next post".....
Heart VS. Brain persona
I tried to give a definition but I couldn't so I will just try to list the differences and see what I can come up with.
In case of meeting new people...
A heart person tries to figure out what is his/her feeling about that person. Where, a brain person try to understand that person.
In case of falling in love....
both can fall in love but a brain person struggle to understand why he/she fell in love and how. Where a heart person just accept it and enjoy it while it's possible.
In case of sacrifices...
Both are capable of sacrifice but a brain person will try to count his/her losses before doing that and might take in consideration, if this person I'm going to sacrifice for is worth it or not. However, heart person can not do that. In fact, heart person my sacrifices even if he/she was sure that the person to be sacrifice for is not worth it.
In case of getting hurt...
both can get hurt but a brain person maybe get hurt less because he/she can use their logic e.g if it hurts just walk away. A heart person will always get hurt and if you where a woman and a heart person then you are doomed to get hurt cause most men are within the brain persona and those try to understand emotion not feel it.
Now i will try to define them...
Heart person: is someone who fallow the sound of his emotions, impulsive, a masochistic to some extent, but always enjoy life .
Brain person: is someone who use logic, try to understand life rather than live it, fallow the sound of reason and always try to cut his/ her losses short.
In the end,
There is no just heart or brain person we all are mix of both and maybe one more than the other. Try and find which fits you more maybe then you will find more understanding to who you are?!>>> speaking like a true brain person XD .
Heart VS. Brain persona
I tried to give a definition but I couldn't so I will just try to list the differences and see what I can come up with.
In case of meeting new people...
A heart person tries to figure out what is his/her feeling about that person. Where, a brain person try to understand that person.
In case of falling in love....
both can fall in love but a brain person struggle to understand why he/she fell in love and how. Where a heart person just accept it and enjoy it while it's possible.
In case of sacrifices...
Both are capable of sacrifice but a brain person will try to count his/her losses before doing that and might take in consideration, if this person I'm going to sacrifice for is worth it or not. However, heart person can not do that. In fact, heart person my sacrifices even if he/she was sure that the person to be sacrifice for is not worth it.
In case of getting hurt...
both can get hurt but a brain person maybe get hurt less because he/she can use their logic e.g if it hurts just walk away. A heart person will always get hurt and if you where a woman and a heart person then you are doomed to get hurt cause most men are within the brain persona and those try to understand emotion not feel it.
Now i will try to define them...
Heart person: is someone who fallow the sound of his emotions, impulsive, a masochistic to some extent, but always enjoy life .
Brain person: is someone who use logic, try to understand life rather than live it, fallow the sound of reason and always try to cut his/ her losses short.
In the end,
There is no just heart or brain person we all are mix of both and maybe one more than the other. Try and find which fits you more maybe then you will find more understanding to who you are?!>>> speaking like a true brain person XD .
Monday, June 21, 2010
It's a Party in My Head - Part 1
I'm hearing Voices @_@ help
When i started writing i was having insomnia and to tell you the truth there was no obvious reason for it. However, writing helped me focus on what is going on inside and i discovered that there is people in MY HEAD. As i kept on listening to them, their talk was not clear. They where all talking to each other at the same time. it sounded as if they where arguing about some thing and the more it tried to listen to them the stronger my headache gets. So, i tried to ignore them but it was like a techno club in my head. I tried to focus on some thing else but their conversation was so intense that i could not ignore it :S.
what is going on in my head?
A friend proposed to do what Wesal do which is scream my lungs out until they listen and so i did. They listen , only one of them anyway but the other two voices where still arguing about some thing. It was as if one of them was depressed and the other one is trying to get him out of it . The one that listened, i think he was the weaker, it felt like he was looking at me. it was almost as if i can feel his kindness. So, i told him "i need to relax and your voices are killing me". Believe it or not they actually went away but not for long. Two hours later they came back, now all my friend are worried about me and as a medical student they are cursed with to much knowledge and little understanding so they have to try and find a diagnosis to my condition.
New approach....
"play on the weak one" my new approach .
My voice: shut up, just SHUT UP he is listening again will you pleas tell me what is going on.
The voice no.1: who are you ?
My voice: what? i think you should tell me who are you it's my head in case you did not know ?!
The voice no.1: true but before trying to get to know others you have to know who you really are.
My voice: great :S, at lest i now your from my imagination cause only me would say something missed up like that, you know what help me understand who I'm.
The voice no.1: I'm you.
My voice: really, I'm officially going insane
The voice no.1: i don't know about that you are the doctor after all
My voice: I'm not a doctor yet, will you pleas just help me understand what is going on?
The voice no.1: it's not really any of your business
My voice: what?! it's my head god dammit .what do you mean by that ?!
The voice no.1: you don't know who i am and i don't know who are you but you are asking for my help....
My voice: OK, sorry i get it now. I'm Amany, what is your name ? >>>> i feel like I'm back to kindergarten when they used to give these classes about how to make friends, i hated them :@
The voice no.1: I'm Amany's heart.
My voice: go fuck your self >>> sorry bad habit i got from Mr.G
The voice no.1: why would you say something like that>>>> and the voice started to cry
My voice: ooh, just great now you are crying and the two fuckers back there arguing>>>> help i really cant take this any more.
when our conversation continue i will tell you the rest pleas wish my luck to find away to sleep tonight.
When i started writing i was having insomnia and to tell you the truth there was no obvious reason for it. However, writing helped me focus on what is going on inside and i discovered that there is people in MY HEAD. As i kept on listening to them, their talk was not clear. They where all talking to each other at the same time. it sounded as if they where arguing about some thing and the more it tried to listen to them the stronger my headache gets. So, i tried to ignore them but it was like a techno club in my head. I tried to focus on some thing else but their conversation was so intense that i could not ignore it :S.
what is going on in my head?
A friend proposed to do what Wesal do which is scream my lungs out until they listen and so i did. They listen , only one of them anyway but the other two voices where still arguing about some thing. It was as if one of them was depressed and the other one is trying to get him out of it . The one that listened, i think he was the weaker, it felt like he was looking at me. it was almost as if i can feel his kindness. So, i told him "i need to relax and your voices are killing me". Believe it or not they actually went away but not for long. Two hours later they came back, now all my friend are worried about me and as a medical student they are cursed with to much knowledge and little understanding so they have to try and find a diagnosis to my condition.
New approach....
"play on the weak one" my new approach .
My voice: shut up, just SHUT UP he is listening again will you pleas tell me what is going on.
The voice no.1: who are you ?
My voice: what? i think you should tell me who are you it's my head in case you did not know ?!
The voice no.1: true but before trying to get to know others you have to know who you really are.
My voice: great :S, at lest i now your from my imagination cause only me would say something missed up like that, you know what help me understand who I'm.
The voice no.1: I'm you.
My voice: really, I'm officially going insane
The voice no.1: i don't know about that you are the doctor after all
My voice: I'm not a doctor yet, will you pleas just help me understand what is going on?
The voice no.1: it's not really any of your business
My voice: what?! it's my head god dammit .what do you mean by that ?!
The voice no.1: you don't know who i am and i don't know who are you but you are asking for my help....
My voice: OK, sorry i get it now. I'm Amany, what is your name ? >>>> i feel like I'm back to kindergarten when they used to give these classes about how to make friends, i hated them :@
The voice no.1: I'm Amany's heart.
My voice: go fuck your self >>> sorry bad habit i got from Mr.G
The voice no.1: why would you say something like that>>>> and the voice started to cry
My voice: ooh, just great now you are crying and the two fuckers back there arguing>>>> help i really cant take this any more.
when our conversation continue i will tell you the rest pleas wish my luck to find away to sleep tonight.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
And Then There was LOVE
I want to thank everyone for their enthusiasm and dessication which i hoped to be on the blog but most of my friend like to be silent readers. So, i decided to write some of things that everyone was wondering about or commented on. Also, i would like to promise my 'not' friend Mr.G that this post will be less shitty.
Politics, politics, and some more politics why not ?!!
many where surprised that i did not write about politics, social justice, or human rights and to answer why not, I was having insomnia and that could affect the cognitive function, i.e. insomnia + me + politics = prison XD
However, i promise that i will write some interesting topics soon in the summer. Also, another reason was i considered my previous two blogs to be failure because i did not touch the readers or made them connect to what i was trying to say. So, instead of taking things from outside to inside I'm going to take it from inside to outside and hopefully those who did not connect with my first two blogs to be able to connect and grow with this one.
You have a heart like the rest of us?!
All the facts lead to the conclusion that my thalamus work just like the rest of you :S. For that i raise the white flag and serenader to the human in me. But my problem , well one of my many problems to be accurate, is that i live in denial and wish to be inhumane for the sake of power and logic to win....
What kind of love...
A lot of you told me that love can last and never crash as the love we have for our parents, brothers and sisters, and the love we have for our friends. Without going into much debate this is not the kind of love i was writing about. I was writing about the love that caused peace and war, about the love that brought kings and queens to their knees, and about the love that mesmerized and inspired poets. That is the love i was talking about.
Just another imagery...
All of you loved the explanation of why it's fall not walk and a smart friend of mine asked " i get what you said about the fall but why can't we grow to love some one and take our time in it?"
Well, well my dear friend to tell you the truth your question dazzled me and made me rethink my self and got even more questions out of your question. If love can grow does it grow out of nothing or does it need rich ground??! what does love need to grow and does wild love need the same things?! which is stronger and dose stronger really mean last longer?! if we can solve this i think we will get rich $_$
Now I'm tiered and my eyes are begging me to kiss the pillow but my head won't stop working...
Politics, politics, and some more politics why not ?!!
many where surprised that i did not write about politics, social justice, or human rights and to answer why not, I was having insomnia and that could affect the cognitive function, i.e. insomnia + me + politics = prison XD
However, i promise that i will write some interesting topics soon in the summer. Also, another reason was i considered my previous two blogs to be failure because i did not touch the readers or made them connect to what i was trying to say. So, instead of taking things from outside to inside I'm going to take it from inside to outside and hopefully those who did not connect with my first two blogs to be able to connect and grow with this one.
You have a heart like the rest of us?!
All the facts lead to the conclusion that my thalamus work just like the rest of you :S. For that i raise the white flag and serenader to the human in me. But my problem , well one of my many problems to be accurate, is that i live in denial and wish to be inhumane for the sake of power and logic to win....
What kind of love...
A lot of you told me that love can last and never crash as the love we have for our parents, brothers and sisters, and the love we have for our friends. Without going into much debate this is not the kind of love i was writing about. I was writing about the love that caused peace and war, about the love that brought kings and queens to their knees, and about the love that mesmerized and inspired poets. That is the love i was talking about.
Just another imagery...
All of you loved the explanation of why it's fall not walk and a smart friend of mine asked " i get what you said about the fall but why can't we grow to love some one and take our time in it?"
Well, well my dear friend to tell you the truth your question dazzled me and made me rethink my self and got even more questions out of your question. If love can grow does it grow out of nothing or does it need rich ground??! what does love need to grow and does wild love need the same things?! which is stronger and dose stronger really mean last longer?! if we can solve this i think we will get rich $_$
Now I'm tiered and my eyes are begging me to kiss the pillow but my head won't stop working...
Saturday, June 19, 2010
1st There was Insomnia
I stared to write as therapy when i was 14. The psychiatrist thought that the root of my problems is simply as he described it "too much thinking my girl". So, he purposed that whenever i am sleepless i should look for a pen and start writing every word that comes up to my mind and so i did. At first it was just random words and little by little the words started to form sentence and the sentence into paragraphs . At the end, i get tired and go peacefully to sleep . Eventually, i had enough words to draw the lines and borders of my problem and the shrink was happy that he found a name for my disease and a treatment though i like to call it a temporary solution.
The problem .....
I was depressed and refuse to admit it, i was lonely and refuse to admit it, i was in love and refuse to admit it, i was happy and refuse to admit it and i was scared and refuse to admit it. To put it more simply, i was in DENIAL.....
DENIAL......
What was i afraid of .... what was i ashamed of.... what was i thinking....
I think, i was in a place where i am scared of people knowing that i have heart, feelings, and can fall in love like any other girl. I was ashamed cause now i am no different from any girl i looked down at for falling in love. I thought LOVE was for stupid girls so evil boys can have fun with them.
Why do they call it "fall in love"......
Why can't people walk in love, why do they have to fall??!! the more i think about it the more clear it gets to me :) . When we fall there is a few seconds where we are actually flying and the longer the distance the more flying time we get but the law of gravity insets that we fall to the ground.
So lets look at the similarity....
The few seconds where we are flying are the euphoria of love, when that person is every thing to you, his/her smile can light up the whole day, and his/her touch can take you to another dimension. The distance or how long you can stay in the flying state it depend on how lucky you are but keep in mind the longer you stay means you are taking too long in the air and the collision is not going to be easy or fun :S . One thing i forgot to mention the wight of the falling object, heavy object tend to cause more damage even if the distance was relatively short and the wight here is our pride. Finally, the collision and the ground you just hit is reality and what a cruel reality it was.
Anyhow :D.....
This is just another night of insomnia gave my best in it, tried to be funny, smart, and humble.
So, just wish me a good night of sleep :)
The problem .....
I was depressed and refuse to admit it, i was lonely and refuse to admit it, i was in love and refuse to admit it, i was happy and refuse to admit it and i was scared and refuse to admit it. To put it more simply, i was in DENIAL.....
DENIAL......
What was i afraid of .... what was i ashamed of.... what was i thinking....
I think, i was in a place where i am scared of people knowing that i have heart, feelings, and can fall in love like any other girl. I was ashamed cause now i am no different from any girl i looked down at for falling in love. I thought LOVE was for stupid girls so evil boys can have fun with them.
Why do they call it "fall in love"......
Why can't people walk in love, why do they have to fall??!! the more i think about it the more clear it gets to me :) . When we fall there is a few seconds where we are actually flying and the longer the distance the more flying time we get but the law of gravity insets that we fall to the ground.
So lets look at the similarity....
The few seconds where we are flying are the euphoria of love, when that person is every thing to you, his/her smile can light up the whole day, and his/her touch can take you to another dimension. The distance or how long you can stay in the flying state it depend on how lucky you are but keep in mind the longer you stay means you are taking too long in the air and the collision is not going to be easy or fun :S . One thing i forgot to mention the wight of the falling object, heavy object tend to cause more damage even if the distance was relatively short and the wight here is our pride. Finally, the collision and the ground you just hit is reality and what a cruel reality it was.
Anyhow :D.....
This is just another night of insomnia gave my best in it, tried to be funny, smart, and humble.
So, just wish me a good night of sleep :)
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