Pleasure and Pain

For those who still think they run of the mill, I want to tell you that pleasure and pain for you might not be so different. Yes, I know, I'm not "normal' to judge but, the more I looked into it the more sense it made.

So, I was reading in Spinoza's Ethics ,an online version of the book in the link, and one of the things that I started to wonder about how different is pleasure and pain?!. In part III: On the origin and nature of the affect Spinoza defines pleasure as "passive state wherein the mind passes to a greater perfection" and pain " passive state wherein the mind passes to a lesser perfection". So, they fall on the same line just at different poles. Then, comes the facts that the degree of perception and interpretation is subjective and different for every human. As some humans may have higher threshold to pain some have lower threshold to pleasure therefore need more to be happy. On the contrary, some may be content with so little in life.

Yet, no real similarity have been established...
The line between pleasure and pain disappear some time when you expect a certain end result. Sometimes the mind needs to pass to a lesser perfection to reach perfection. We can take childbirth as an example of pain that end with pleasure, or when you study for a test in a subject you love and get a good grade. Then comes another question, WHAT IF the child died after birth or you failed the test, will we reach the ultimate pain i.e. lesser perfection, and isn't that the same as pleasure i.e. perfection because now you reached the perfect pain. We can say that we found our-self in a "cycle"by Jaz where we go from perfect pain to pleasure which could also mean acceptance of reality...

There is also a point that need to be raised...
What about those who enjoy agony?! is there really pleasure in less than perfect pain?! or was Spinoza talking about the normal individuals. However, haven't we all done it once or twice?! We do things although we know it's going to hurt us. We get attached to people and thing that only cause us pain. What if?! the real intentions is not to enjoy the pain but to punish ourselves sub-consciously for things we did or did not do?! Whatever pain we receive dose not really give pleasure but it provides some relive from a tormented consciences and a helpless soul....

Can these souls reach salvation?!
We always have the key in one hand, the answer and the solution, yet we choose to look away. Those who, or these things that torment us have little or no power over us. We hold the key chain , therefore we hold the power over ourselves and over them. Their existences are a mere coincidence if they did not exist we would have found something else to agonize this loaded shell with sins.

And that's Why forgiveness start from within...

A Day In A Café

I don't go out much and when I do, it's usually with my fellow inmate, oh, I mean my family. Since I reached my twenties I had a lot of fights with the department of internal affairs AKA mommy about my right to go out without a chaperon. Mom is no easy fight , I mean if it was dad a kiss on the cheeks, a big smile and the job is done but mom has a counter magic to all our spills :@. I guess it's part of being a woman.

After long fights and endless nights, mommy finally agree to let me go out alone. You might wonder what so exciting about going out alone. :S well, I don't know just because I'm not allowed to do so. I think if I can sit alone with a cup of coffee in one hand and a book in the other hand, I will be the happiest person in the world. Silly, maybe, but to me that is happiness.

So I got my day of happiness, and what a day it was ?! I ordered my coffee and I was reading the book while I waited for the coffee. Held the book and the tray and went up the stairs. OMG ,he was halve setting halve sleeping on the couch, his eyes were green blue and some other color I couldn't keep looking at him cause I was distracted by his perfectly shaped body. Two things sit me off, the way he way was looking at me, being a piece of meat may appeal to some girls but not to me :@ I'm no piece of meat mister . The 2nd thing was the lady that was sitting next to him although she looked older the way she was cuddling his bold head tells me she is more than just a mom or aunt and I'm sure my bro will kill me if I touched his head that way in public specially in front of the ladies :P

Anyway, I through my tray with some phony anger and though my face turned away my eyes followed them. If my impotent social life did not intercede for me, I don't know what will :P.

I watch as he lean more into her arms and wondered where could his arms be. It's a public place that shall remain unnamed but for a second I wondered " am I still in KSA?!" "is that why my parents did not want me to go out alone" "why I don't see all these thing when I am with them" " is there some sort of a parental filter they turn on" I guess I can come up with a lot of questions and probably no answers .

Now he get up , and OMG he has a really cute ass, my train of thought is disrupt. Shit, he is holding her bag, and now I am going to kill her WHY?! The hell I kill myself trying to get thin when she can get a guy like that with an ass like hers :@@@ I hate her .

I guess my point of view my parents were right . I am not to be let out of the house alone :P

No, No, No, let's talk about what this post is really about. The people I just described were clearly on a date and I am more than sure that the guy was not wearing a ring :P so, what's the fuss is all about the café was full Saudi families whom appear to be conservative and non I did not hear any of them say that we are a conservative country and these thing should not happen here in the country of Islam. or is that the privacy that we have to protect. This may be a sign progress or just the expected duplicity from your average middle eastern country.

And though it may be in few word I hope you see it :D…..

Unattainable Love

I have been having a mental block for a while now. I wish writing this will cure that.

If you came here for a light laugh, a funny and witty post, I am sorry to tell you that this post is not about that.

If you came here for a big shout and sharp words in political injustice, I am sorry to tell you that this post is not about that either.

It's simply about the time I lost trust in the Y chromosome. I learned that parents are humans who are capable of making mistakes . I learned that one day I will do a mistake, I once told my kids not to do. Funny to think, my biggest fear was fear of being unable to show my love to my kids, but now I worry about what I'm going to teach them. I have to worry about the mistakes I'm going to do, not only to them but to myself as well. I guess my biggest fear now has become that I won't be the ideal person they could learn from, and that my mistakes will place them amidst conflicts that would push them to years of therapy. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents, but somewhere along the way, I seemed to have forgotten that they are human too. I know they have needs, but I never thought that they would do wrong to fulfill those needs. Sorry to say this, but I wish they would turn into inanimate objects, robots, to be more specific. Then, it'll be easy for me to predict their next step, just like Rubik's cube. No matter how I twist it, it'll always assume the right configuration. I know which configuration the cube will assume every time i attempt to twist it. I wish all humans turn into Rubik's cubes, not because I'll be able to control them, but because I want them to be more predictable ,less complicated, and more comprehensible, and maybe, just maybe a little easier to manipulate :P

When did I stop being a child and become their "Personal Advisor"?! I know they don't trust my judgment, I don't trust my own judgment either. When I thought about that fact, I reached a conclusion. They don't want me to be their personal advisor, they just want someone to sympathize and agree with them. My true opinion states ''Bad choice mom and dad''. However, not only my parents do that, we all do or have done that for at least once in our lives. We wine and cry to our parents, partner, friend just to get their sympathy, not to look for advise cause no one is really stupid. We choose not to see the right answer because it's hard for us to do or to accept it.

I'm scared that the apple won't fall far from the tree, that I will one day lose my kids' respect, or scar them for life because of a need or a fling I once craved for in midsummer madness….

People Will Talk

This topic has been bothering me since I hit 9 and I had to wear Hejab. The book of forbids have been opened telling the story of "the army of DON'Ts" whom incarcerated my life and turn it into hell. Why?! Give me a reason for the Don't do that?! or don't go there?! or don't play with the boys? be A NORMAL HUMAN BEING, be A GIRL, be A NORMAL GIRL . The answer is always the same: cause people will talk bad of you :S. Well, I don't care for what those people think of me and their replay is always the same: girls form respected families don't say that and it's another DON'T.

If only I can meet those people….
Haven't you ever wonder if those people who will talk are the same people who will talk about your sister, mom, or friends if they committed a social DON'T. Or ever thought, why no one stop them, isn't bad to talk about people behind their back. That assuming they know you but if they don't , what give them the right to judge you. Why they are not brave enough to ,at least, say it to my face :@.

Finally….
The argument either start or end by" girls from good families or let's say Banat Al7maile", what if I wasn't one of those girls, will it be OK to be myself….

It's a post out of frustration that's why it's short. I'm still holding a lot inside, may be I will write more later :( .

A Night in with a Baby - Part 1

Babies , I hate them and I don't even consider them to be humans :@. However, since I resigned from the human race, I thought to myself why not try to like them. So, in the spirit of liking new things and the fact that I'm going to be surrounded by them "babies" in pedia. Course. I am going to baby-set my 3 month old sister voluntarily . This girl, Whisper, is really driving me nuts :@. She scream for attention, refuse to sleep in her crib must be on someone's lap, puke a lot, and smell nasty for no obvious reason . Her sleep cycle changes faster than the mood of a PMS-ing teenager :@, and I'm stuck to deal with it. Every day I spend with her make me hate the idea of having a baby even more than the day before….

Without going into to much details, this is the story form a sleepless baby setter, me, having a crazy conversation with a baby, Whisper. Here it is ….

I was walking in round in a drunking gait, so tired that I might just drop dead, but I have a baby in hand who won't fall asleep yet. Despite all my hopeless effort , she won't sleep. I looked down to see the light reflection on her widely opened eyes. They were beautiful but at the same time, the sight crushed me because I knew they were predicting a long night :(.

I sat at the edge of the bed, looked at her again and said" I really don't like you or your kind :@"
Whisper " you should stop saying that or I might develop some psychological problems and you might have to pay for my treatment "
Me" what the Fuck ?"
Whisper" watch you language big sister cause I might say it someday and say I heard it from you if Mom scold me ;) "
Me " Are you really talking to me or am I imagining it ? " Whisper " Hmmm, take a round first" Me" OK" I toke a round in my room and said to her " now what?"
Whisper" your condition is serious :S"
Me ":@ you did not answer my question?"
Whisper "Question why a three month old baby can't talk?"
Me" because His Werniks 's area and Broca's area are not fully developed"
Whisper " in lay man words pleas, smart ass :@"
Me " OK, because their brains are not fully developed"
Whisper " since you know that why do you expect me to be more than just an imagination"
Me " …… shit"
Whisper " If only I can talk, I would have told Mom and made her wash your mouth with soap"
Me" HAHAHAHA, you can't because your voice is the creation of my imagination"
Whisper " but I made you listen to me and walk around like an idiot, I only wonder what else I can make you do? ;)"
Me " What an evil little bitch?!"
Whisper " you better watch your language :S or …."
Me " or what ? :@"
Whisper started to scream her lunges out, she drove me nuts trying to get her quite.
Me " If you don't shut up I will drop you?"
Whisper " try it "
Me " you are not scared, I will do it. I swear "
Whisper " don't swear on something you can not do :P"
Me " why are you so sure that I won't"
Whisper " I said try it :)"

I got up, gave her a sharp look and I commanded my hand to let her go but they won't let go of her. My facial expressions changed from sharp anger to surprise and wonder. Why can't I drop her?! Why won't my hand let go of her?!

Whisper " stop wondering, you can't hurt me because I'm weaker than you and you know it"
Me " that made no sense :S, at all"
Whisper " it's because your are stupid"
Me " Hey, I'm your big sister, you better respect me :@"
Whisper " you see, your bad language started to affect me "
Me " fine, I will try to keep it at P.G. level, Ok?"
Whisper " that's better. I need a bottle of milk or I'm going to cry"
Me " don't threaten me. Cry for food, cry for dipper, and cry for attention, all you do is cry, cry, and cry some more"
Whisper " how else can you tell what I need if I did not cry, or did you started to believe I can really talk"
Me "that's no excuse. You can wait for a little bit"
Whisper " I'm small, can't walk or talk, if I was quite too, you may lose me :) . Just like when you lost your bag"
Me " yah, you are right and you are the same size as my bag"
Whisper " no need for insults, Ms. Duck feet "
Me" Ok, so the crying thing, I can get it now. Why can't I hurt you ?! "
Whisper " God created me weak , so you big people can feel strong around me"
Me" still don't understand"
Whisper " because you are stupid, and now I'm afraid of the genes I inherited "
Me ":@, I hate you"
Whisper " which mean you hate yourself, because I'm from YOUR imagination "
Me "FFFFFFFFFFFFFFF……. !,2,3,4,5, calm down, it's just lack of sleep hallucination"
Whisper " good girl, since you hold it down. I'm going to explain more…"
Me" be my guest"
Whisper " we agreed that I'm a weak creature and in comparison you are the strong one, I know it and so do you. So, there is no point of flashing your strength , therefore your nature won't let you do it but it's in all creatures nature to show off their strength. So , it make you express it in a reverse way. In another word, protect me."
Me" if it's in all creatures nature to show off their strength, what is the strength you show off?"
Whisper " my weakness and helplessness…."
Me" :S , hmmm…."
Whisper " Think about it big sister, you are the one with higher mental function after all ;)"
Me" you are really one of my hallucination. I need to get some sleep "
Whisper " If I'm hungry, I can't make myself food, I cry, and you can't hit me to shut me up, so you have to make me food. Can you get it now?"
Me" Yah, I think I do. It sounded like you are blackmailing us. "
Whisper " Hmmm, maybe a little. Now, give me a walk in the house cause I'm bored or I will cry"
Me " NO, please don't. I will, I will …"
Whisper " HeHeHeHe, you have no idea how fun is this?"
Me " I can imagine, don't worry :P"

I'm too tired , she still won't sleep and I'm walking around the house like idiot. Hoping for an unattainable miracle that she will fall asleep.

My Gang - Ms.RumRum

I was thinking, what is the best way to describe Ms.RumRum with remaining fair and square. It turned out there is no good words to do so. Maybe cause I don't know her well although I met her before Ms.S and Philosopher. I want to believe it's because we have a lot in common or maybe too much differences either way I'm thankful that I met her. I will write this post in a before and after meaner cause I want Ms.RumRum to know my true feelings about her, how they changed, and why?!

Ms.RumRum before 4th year....

I don't remember the exact 1st time I told myself " I dislike this girl" but I think, it was over postponing an exam. She wanted not to postpone it, I wanted to do so. What really bothers me was the tone of arrogancy in her voice and the over confidant stand. The sharp looks she gave people but OMG she has really beautiful eyes :S or maybe it's her eyeliner XD. She thinks, she is the best maybe she is but no need to let people know that. I know one thing at the time which it was I don't like that girl and I don't want anything to do with her....
3rd year came and it's time to form the groups for 4th year. Now, me, Ms.S, and philosopher are good friends. Philosopher suggested Ms.RumRum for the group and I did not like the idea but I was in the mood for " not judging people without knowing them personally". I was trying hard to convince myself there is more beyond what my eyes see. And so she became one of the group but not one of us....

Ms.RumRum after 4th year....

Ms.RumRum was most close to Philosopher but not to me or to Ms.S. Right then I started to think this girl has some trust issue :S. I honestly think, she walked next to us just when Philosopher was there and never talked with us unless Philosopher was there. I felt as if she did not want to be with me, since it's kind of hard to dislike Ms.S :P. The more I observed the more question came up to my head. Why is she always alone?! why she does not even try to get close to us since she already like Philosopher?! why won't she trust anyone?! I really hated the fact that she is not trying to make any efforts to show us who she really is. I thought she wanted to take MaMa Philosopher from us but MaMa Philosopher kept saying that Ms.RumRum has a heart of gold and I would say something stupid like" I don't like gold :P". One day the 4 of us were walking to prepare our case presentation, I felt as if she changed her mind, and she walked away from us. I toke a glimpse over my shoulder at her, looking at her walk away, she looked lonely. I felt bad why didn't any of us go with her?! why am I being judgmental towered her :@?!. That's it, she is going to like me and I'm going to look beyond my sight. Thank god I did :)

After, the After....

Ms.RumRum is a perfectionist, and those people demand to much of them selves therefore expect the same perfectionism from others. So, if you were intimidated by her it's only cause you can seance her high expectation and you know you are no match for it. I found out that she lives in a world of idealism, so perfect that even she find it difficult to live in. This idealism make her vulnerable to getting hurt and let down by others, therefore she lost her trust in people and I don't blame her for it. However, if you can look beyond your fears, like I did, and make the first step towards her. She will not let you down. She doesn't have a heart of gold, she has a heart of diamonds. People of her innocence are hard to find and it's kinda refreshing to be around someone so innocent and pure, like she is. I love the fact that she is strong and stand her grounds all the time, although it drives me crazy that she won't give up. I get an unimaginable joy out of fighting with her. I know that Ms.RumRum and I will never see eye to eye on anything but she will be there for me if I go side way and I will be there for her when reality crushes her idealism. After knowing her, I realized that arrogant tone of voice is just confidence and if you get to know her will you will realize it's not OVER confidence. She deserve it, no wait, she earned it through hard work and commitment in her life and work.
Since I met her, or lets say got to know her better, I have one regret which is " why didn't I try to be her friend earlier?!"

My Gang - Philosopher

MaMa AKA Philosopher....

To have a mother for a friend is great but to have a friend for a mother is rare :). Philosopher and me met for the first time in 2nd year when Wesal introduce us. Wesal had asked me to help the new girls and she was one of them. Anyway, I said Hi, told her my name, I think, I gave her my phone number too, and then I forgot all about her :P. Until one day, I saw her crying in front of building 2 . The girls were trying to comfort her but they were not really successful. Now I jumped in :P, not because she was crying but because I wanted to know why she was?! nosy I know :D. It turned out, she was crying because she did not do well in the exam. At this point, I saw myself in her. The joy of success is so fragile to us that the lest mistake would brake us. So, I said to myself before telling her nothing is worth my tears or yours and I started acting stupid just to make her laugh. When she finally did, I felt happy and walked away feeling better. Yes here's a thing about me, it's always about me and making myself happy first. Now, most people would hate to be with someone like that but not Philosopher she would look to the other half and reminds me what a good person I am. She would say "at lest you make people happy too so why wouldn't you feel happy" . Yes, this is my Philosopher....

We shear the same realistic views of life which is something hard to find. Even though she says she uses her heart, she will acknowledge logic and appreciated. She will try to understand you and if she can't she will accept you the way you are. She does not flash her strength in front you therefore you can be weak in front of her without worry. It was the first time I was able to let go, cry with no worries, and be weak with no shame. I did not do that in front of my mother before but I was able to do so in front of MaMa philosopher.

Why I call her MaMa...
I call her MaMa because she has that motherly vibe. She just can't help it, she care about everyone and everything, worry about everyone and everything, and help you only when you need it. let you make mistakes but catches you before you fall, just like a mother. You will never grow up in her eyes but you know she respects you. I'm not exaggerating when I wish my mother was more like her. I honestly think, her kids will be lucky :). ....

She sees me for who I am...
Philosopher is one of the few people, I know, who can see right through you. She is a good judge of character I saw that many times. To the point, where I think she knows me even better than myself. Though to be fair, she can go a little bit too far with her analyzing, at lest this what I think :S. However, I would take her words into my counts cause I know she sees beyond my view and, even probably, have more experiences in life than me.

This was Philosopher, only one is left, Ms.Rum Rum wait for me....

My Gang - Ms.S

Despite everything that happened to me and my family, last year was probably the best year I had since I was 7. I got to complete my set of close friends. This phrase may be offending to some people but my friend, know that I don't know how to say it in better words. When I say "set of " I don't mean that to me they are materials or objects. It's simply, I don't know how to phrase it better than that. I awalys thought that I need friends different than me, so I can fight with them and not get bored. I don't need someone who I can get a long with, I need someone interesting, as in won't accept every word I say without a fight. I need him/her to not be afraid of me and to make me afraid. I need him/her strong to take the truth that I will through without worrying about him/her getting hurt. I need him/ her not to ask me all the time if I care just try to feel it and make me feel it too.
And so I was lucky,
I have a diverse group of friends. Loving and caring without a lot of question. I promised Ms.Rum Rum to write about them and to try to be fair doing it :P.
Here we go....

Ms.S
First is first, and she's the first :) . Ms.S I'm not quite sure where and when did we met but I think it was in communication skills course. We were in the same class. At lest this is the first time I notes her :D. Since I was really bad with names, I was trying to memorize at lest the names of the girls in the same classes as me. To do so, If i see any of those girls I would say Hi to her just so I can have a reason to shout her name >8) deviant, I know. One day, I met Ms.S at book store she was with her father looking for a book, and I saw her, I didn't really know her well but I said Hi to her just so, I can shout her name. You may wonder why is it important to me to memorize the names?! well :D I had a bet with Wesal that I can at lest memorize the names of the girls in my class :D . Now, Ms.S was really surprised that I did. To tell you the truth I saw it in her eyes but everyone see me, give me "this look". You know what I mean that look of " what is wrong with this girl :S".

Later on she told me why she was surprised. Apparently, she did not really like me before. I still don't really understand why but I think it was something about being loud and jump a lot XD. I'm not mad, there is nothing more comforting to me than people knowing who really I am.
:) Now let's talk more about Ms.S character...

When you see Ms.S the thing that catches you about her is her beautiful soul before her beautiful face. Her kind smile before her rose colored lips. Her shyness before her bravery. She's like a match just need a spark to be lightened, and I'm that spark :P. There is nothing, that can left my spirit when it's down, like the sight of her face turn red when she's mad at me, no sound is more joyful than the sound of her angry voice screaming " Amanyyyyyyyyyy" and I wait for her hand to hit me with the anticipation of six year old for a candy. She hold a special place in my heart cause she was there when I needed her, wither to scold me or to praise, she was there. She won me over by her weakness. I never cared or felt guilty about something I said before I met her. May be cause I know that even if I was mean to her she will defend me. She is "the public defender" after all :P . Yes, she will make excuses even if you were guilty and don't deserve it. I love it when Ms.S hits me cause then I won't feel guilty. No, I don't mind it :P.

They say, Ms.S changed after we became friends. I think, she just opened up to people. She was always a fire cracker just needed it a spark...

To be continue...
This was just Ms.S. there still a lot to be said but I don't think I can give her what she really deserve in words. Posts about mom AKA Philosopher and Ms.Rum Rum are coming so just wait...

Resignation from the Human Race

"If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race." Fred A. Allen

I decided to resign from the human race....
I don't want my membership fee back and nothing you will say will change my mind....
as to why?! the fallowing should explain it but No guarantees!

I, Amany,am hereby officially tendering my resignation as a human being. For I'm feed up, with human beings and their egotistic behaviors toward other creatures. We are superior to other creatures only cause god gave us brains to use but if we don't then we are no different. However, if you think you are using your brain just cause you think, well think again.

I'm resigning cause I'm tired of fallowing the standers of humanity. The standers that was imposed on us long time. To be human you have to think in a certain way, act a in a certain way, and feel a in a certain way. But they say "normal" is a relative state?! so , how come I have to follow their relative state ?! why can't I create mine?!

I'm tired of trying to follow society standers of what considered "normal", "polite", or "moral". I'm tired of having dreams and ambitions. Also, exhausted trying to fight for them. So, I keep questioning myself " for what?!". I live in a society where it's normal to be empty headed with pink colored dreams. WHY?! and for WHAT?! . It's normal after all. Normal, it was what I always searched for never been able to achieve.

I'm tired of the doubled standers between males and females. Aren't we all human after all?!. What's the different?! the Y chromosomes is that it?! well, well, some studies have showed that the proud Y chromosome is actually X chromosome but minus some genes. TAKE THAT! misogynist, male chauvinist every where :P.

The previous will be great if I wanted to stay part of the human race, cause science has no meaning to humans when it does not suite their agenda. Just take a look at the Ozone layer and you will understand what I mean.

Why would I want to be part of a race that destroy it's plant. Why would I want to be part of a race that kills each other for money and fun. Why would I want to be part of a race that leaves it's children die out of starvation. Why would I be part of a race where one comfort and safety comes above all which is something you won't see among other mammals, just take a look at Discovery channel and you will understand what i mean.

So, I'm giving up not cause I'm weak, nor cause I'm a self confessed misanthrope, only cause I'm really tired of being Human.

Forever a Medusa

I learned about Medusa when I was around 9 or 10. Since then, I stated having dreams about her. About a half women, half snake, with snakes for hair. It was never scary, she never said anything, never moved and never turned away from me. Just sites there looking at me with sad eyes, eyes full of tears but never drooped a tear. They always talk about how she turns men who look at her into stone but I can swear I never dreamed of anything as beautiful as Medusa's eyes. I almost felt sorry for her, that such eyes can be associated with such myth. Oh, my heart just brakes for her, as I see her lonely, sad, and hated even by herself.

It's a Myth...
There is two myths regarding Medusa's curse; one says that she laid down with Poseidon in Athena's temple to anger her as Athena and Poseidon were enemies, and one says that Poseidon raped her in Athena's temple when she went there to ask for her help. However, both agree that Athena punished her by turning her and her sisters into monsters. Ugly monster, so no man would want her and turns any man who looks at her into stone, so she can never pursue men.

In both stories, I'm disappointed, that Athena the goddess of wisdom would do such a thing. why didn't she punish Poseidon too?! Why didn't Poseidon help her?!. In Greek mythology, men were created in the likeness of gods and women were created in the likeness of goddesses. So, it's no wonder that men will act selfishly as Poseidon did. He knew that he's no match to Athena the powerful goddess who even Zeus tried to stop her birth, and in a moment of cowardliness and godlessness he gave up on Medusa and left her to face Athena alone.

Searching for my Medusa...
Since I can't draw like my daddy, I tried to look for a picture of Medusa similar to the one in my dream. I was trying to find the same feelings I felt in my dreams. I didn't find anything that looks like it but I noticed something in all of the pictures her face either show anger, fear, or sadness and even in the most seductive portraits there is a glimpse of sadness in her eyes. Oh Medusa, what sins have you commuted to diverse such an end.

What she stand for...
They say that Medusa was turn to a monster after her sin, so that, her tainted sinful soul will match her out side. She was made an example for those girls who will live their life freely loving and be loved, that their end will be like Medusa shamed for life and shame will fallow their families as the cursed has caught Medusa's sisters too. It was a warning for every women that even if she was a helpless victim in front of a ruthless god like Poseidon, she is to be blamed for letting herself to be victimized.

To me Medusa represent a "Woman Anger" at a society that forgives a man sin but never a woman sin. At men who play with women love so leniently as if it was cheap and easy to find. At men who will run after them to the end of the world and leave them as soon as they get what they want. Anger, for being used and punished their bodies.

I don't believe, that she can't look at her reflection be cause she will turn into stone because a snake never poisoned by her venom. I think she can't stand look at her reflection because she was naive to think she can find love, or find someone who deserve her. I believe, she can't stand looking at herself because she knew that the world and the gods had abandoned her.

If She Would Talk...
I always wonder, if the Medusa in my dream would talk, what would she say to me?! would she say that in every woman there is a Medusa waiting for her heart to be broken so she can come out!! or would it be a stupid advise about the nonexistence of true love, yes it's stupid because we all know that. Maybe our Medusa told us but we keep forgetting it...

Finally,,,
In a society like ours, the word love equal sin, the word lovers equal sinners. There is no place for love and no safe haven for lovers. No real lovers, only hungry beasts and filthy whores. So, to you innocent love seeking, hungry for passion individual, look for love but not here. I can't guaranty that you will find it but I sure know that you will never find it here..

"Forever a Medusa, and Medusa will be me"

Why Do I Prefer Funerals Over Weddings ?

Recently, I have gone to a funeral of friend and to a wedding of a friend and as I sit in the dark corner of my room looking at my reflection in the mirror , my heir looks great BTW XD, I started thinking what 's the similarity between wedding and funerals??! I know what you all thinking there isn't any similarity. Well , me being sooo twisted I found some :D.

First, both gather people for the end of something
weddings >>> end of freedom
funerals>>> end of life

Second, in both you expect to see someone crying
wedding>>> mother of the bride or groom
funerals>>> family of the deceased and sometimes people with absolute no relation to the deceased!!! :S

Third, in both you expect to see someone in white
wedding>>> the bride
funerals>>> the deceased

Fourth, in both you expect to find food to eat

Fifth, both got loud speaker
wedding>>> music
funerals>>> Quran

Sixth, both end the same>>> people leave the place in a total mess

Seventh, both get women gossiping about someone or something, the day after

but I think there is one different that I like about funerals >>> is that I don't have to wear make up :P
if u think i missed any similarity pleas add them in the comments
P.S. it's kinda lame post, i know

Aren't We All Muslims ?!

I was clicking on the remote with a grate deal of boredom when I passed by a channel that caught my ears more than my eyes. It was a heated argument between to men in terrapins and the host was trying to get them cool down so they will speak in a clear voice but enraged enough to keep the argument exciting. What really bothered me is when I started to understand that this charade is supposed to be a debate :S ?!

To tell the truth, I liked the idea of the show. It was supposed to be new presentation to a subject need to be raised more and more but it was a sensitive matter that needed to be discussed with great care. This show I'm talking about was aired on respectful, it was a confrontation between two religious sects. I honestly thought that an idea like that would clear a lot of miss constipation between the two parties and help to look at similarities more than differences. However, the show was nothing like that.

Anyone with a normal IQ will notice from the first 10 minutes what the show was really about. It was a modern representation of gladiators fight. I felt as if I was sitting in the Colosseum back to the 1st century BCE. I was not really sure who was the barbaric here?!. Was it those two men or the people who are watching it ?! Yes I think anyone who will wast his/her time watching a so called debate is barbaric, cause the truth is you are enjoying the fight not intellectual the debate, if we can call it such a thing.

Also, what really bugs me is, I went back to watch the show hopping that they may have notice their mistake and little have I know :S. Apparently, every time they try to find even more barbaric people to discuses the same the topic making the same baseless arguments over and over. I know that all they care about is money and action sells. However, where is their morals?! there must be at lest one person who would say no, this is should not how religion should be discussed. What about those who watch it?! aren't they offended by the quality of shows this respectful channel thinks they would like?!

The show was first aired in Ramadan. Then, they aired it all year and I'm sure this year they will have something more absurd. So, I'm asking you all, pleas don't watch it and if you like it tell me why?

Herd Mentality

I still remember that day when I stood in class and faced the monster, challenging her and defying the herd mentality she was shoving down our throat. I argued " I have brain which god gave me as gift, so I can be different from other creatures. How dare you ask me to shut it down". She respond with a sharp tone " this is what we learned from those who have better brains than yours, and even if you don't understand it, you have to follow it, cause this what a good girl would do". So, what if I don't want to follow the rules?! what if I want to be different ?! does it mean I just want attention?
This argument came up when "our beloved teacher" was trying to explain what secularism mean. She define it as separation of religion from life, well believe it or not it's not what it mean but she was taken by the herd mentality and believed what she heard from someone else, terminated her brain and did not try to look for the truth. She was unwilling to hear what I'm about to say even before I said it, cause she knew it's not what she learned.
I told her " secularism is defined as separation of church and state and since church represents religion and state represents politics. Therefore, it's separation of politics and religion". Her eyes were wide open stunned by my boldness and first thing she asked " who told you that? who have been feeding you such thoughts?". I responded as if she just insulted me" you can find it in any dictionary. I did not make it up or someone feed it to me. I used my brain unlike what you did". So of course, I was kicked out of class send to the principle office.
The principle was an understanding lady, who sheared with me a lot of my opinions. She told me to tune it down and try to play a long so I can live in peace. The truth is, I never wanted to live in peace. In fact, I love the rush I get from debating mindless idiots who believe anyone with a beard.
Why can't I have my own thoughts about life and politics?!. Why do I have to follow those who call them self the leaders of Muslim nations?!. When will we stop listening to one side?! why can't we look at it from different angles?! Why do they hide it from us if they were right?! yep, I'm talking about censorship. If they were right why do they censor the liberal forums and websites.
BTW, censorship is one big violation of human rights and we don't talk about it enough. I will give it a separate post,
What I want you to answer is...
Have you ever been in a similar confrontation and what was it about?
Do you accept every information you receive easily or do you find yourself in constant questioning?

Second Class Citizen

This is for all of you who asked for the old Amany to show up......
I appreciate every thing this generous country gave me but I also believe it's all if not even less than what I deserve as citizen in this country. So, don't tell me we live in haven at lest if you were a woman you should not say that because this country think of you as less than a citizen. why would I say such a thing?? I will tell you why......

When I live in a country where the government thinks I can't take care of myself and I need a man to be responsible for my action. I feel like a second class citizen......
When I live in country that won't allow me to finish my affairs in the governmental departments without a man to represent me. I feel like a second class citizen......
When I live in a country where my legal guardians have the authority to prevent me from obtaining an identity card. I feel like a second class citizen......
When I live in country that won't allow me to be an ambassadors for my country just cause I'm a woman. I feel like a second class citizen......
When I live in a country that won't allow me to defend myself in the court of law without a man to represent me. I feel like a second class citizen......
When I live in a country that won't allow a woman to defend me in the court of law just cause she is a woman. I feel like a second class citizen......
When I live in a country that prosecute me for being raped. I feel like a second class citizen......
When I live in a country that allow me to be separated form my husband against my well just for being less than me socially or from a different religious sect. I feel like a second class citizen......
When I live in a country that won't allow me to participate in politics just cause I'm a women. I feel like a second class citizen......
When I live in a country that allow a complete stranger tell me what's appropriate to wear as Muslim girl and what's not and give him the right to incarnate me for it. I feel like a second class citizen......
When I live in a country that won't give my children the citizenship just cause their father is a foreigner . I feel like a second class citizen......
When I live in a country that teach me in school that I'm irrational and less of a Muslim than a man or that my work is one of the causes of male unemployment. I feel like a second class citizen......
When I live in a country where a male guardian is required to give signed permission in order for me to travel. I feel like a second class citizen......
When I live in a country that allow me to fly an airplane but won't allowed me to drive a car :S. I feel like a second class citizen......

When I live in a society that can accept women success in various fields, but cannot accept seeing or coming into direct contact with them. I feel less of a human....
Now show me you comment and lets hope that this post won't be blocked :D ......

End of a Friendship :/

End of dreams, end of happiness, end of friendship, and end of life. All things must come to an end some day. This is how god intended it to be, if you believe in one....

Why do we need a friend?
The truth is we don't. Your life will go just fine, in fact there will be no problem but yours, no tears but yours, no smile but yours, and most definitely no fun at all. If you think that your life without a friend is better, this mean you never had a real friend yet. It will be easier, I will give you that but it will be a lonely miserable one. If you say not true, I will tell you have not found the real friend yet.

How many do you need?
It's not about the quantity, it's about the quality. Most of us mix the word friend with a lot of words, like school mates, coworkers, or even cosines and I don't mean that those people can not be your friend, just don't say my friend when you mean some thing else.

Who is my friend?
My friend is someone who accept me the way I am with all my faults, sins, mistakes, and virtues. Who can tell me the truth even if hurts me. Who will stand up to me when I am at fault , just as he/she will stand up to defined me. Whom I can be stupid and silly around without feeling worry of what he/she might thinks of me. Someone who is welling to be give me as much as i gave him/ her honesty and clarity. Someone whom I can cry on without feeling a shamed. Someone who will let me make mistakes but won't let me go so far with them.

All good thing must come to an end....
It's the unavoidable reality of life, everything must come to an end. For some reason, when we have a friend we need to, we love to believe, that he/she will be your/my friend forever. Friendship is just like marriage, if u don't pick up the signs and fix the flaws, it will fall apart. If you don't give it all what you got and be honest to your self "first" and to your friend, it will fall apart. And if you lost a friend, don't give up hope cause when one door close the wind will open another which might even better. So, Don't give up on your self and don't give up on your friend.

I want you all to answer these questions...
Who do you call a friend?
Do you think that friends are replaceable?
What is the deal breaker for you in a friendship?

The Confession

To late to say I love you, too late to say sorry, too late to say goodbye, we are always late for something, somewhere, or someone. The funny part is we invented time, we gave it a name and we gave it the value. So, when did we stopped owning it?!, when did we let it take control and I did it again "when".
Have you ever wondered, how did people live before the invention of time? is it the numbers on a clock or is it the changing of day to night and night to day that sets the beginning of a new day?. Why is it the morning that sets it, why not night?!

I know I ask a lot of "Question" but I'm not looking for an answer to a dilemma. Only wondering why?! trying to make this engine run again :S
For some reason I feel like I'm losing against time, it and I fought for so long. Sometimes I lose sometimes it win, no i did not make a mistake here. I don't think we can win with time we can only tie with it because eventually we will run out of time :S .

Why this post ?
I run out of time and could not apologize to her. She's dead now, her time have run out. My time have run out. I said what I said and I don't regret it. Only I wish I could feel what every normal person supposed to feel. I wish I could feel something....

She....
She was not my friend only someone I knew but I think she thought I was more. A mother of two angels, had a nice loving husband, a dear sister, and a father with a big heart. They will miss her...
She was strong, brave, irrational, and stupid at times but she made a decision and stuck to it. I wish I could say more but i did not know her enough.

I can't help but think.....
What if I was nicer to her, what if I showed some care. The truth is I can't...
Maybe because I'm heartless, emotionless, maybe cause I'm not human enough, maybe cause I thought I was better than her, maybe cause I was miserable and I want her to feel the same.
Pleas don't try to make me feel better or say that I'm a good person at heart. I know I'm not, at least I might not have a heart that work like the rest of you.

So now....
Maybe after this the voices will stop.

Lollipop :D

I know this post will be hated from Rum Rum and Ms. S but I believe it's a topic worth looking at and discussing it. If you think I should not talk about it you are allowed to say so but pleas tell your reason for that, and if you have something to say just say it with respect.....

Those who know me, know that I'm addicted to two things Coffee and Lollipops. Unfortunately, eating lollipops, for some reason, is not socially accepted as drinking coffee in public :S . I learned what it meant exactly when I heard Lil'Wayne song Lollipop and I think it's a disgusting song :@ . However, it got me thinking at what age an image of a girl with a lollipop stop being cute and start getting encrypted with sexuality. Also, who made that meaning and when??!

Would you eat a lollipop in public??! what do you think when you see a girl or a boy doing it ??! at what age do you think a girl or a boy should stop eating lollipops in public??!

Regarding me, I will eat them in public cause I believe that a perverted person will find something to be perverted about and it does not have to be my lollipop. As far to why I love them, when I have a lollipop in my mouth I'm back to that age where I had no worries, where the border of reality and an imagination dissolve, when I believed that my parents knew all life secrets, and to the time when I was real.....

So, why do I have to hide it ?! why do I have to be ashamed of who I'm ?! why do I have to pretend that I'm someone else for people to respect me?!

Finally, what did you think when you first saw me eating a lollipop? pleas tell the truth :P

It's a Party in My Head - Part 2

People this is not a drill. I'm hearing voices, so run for your life. Nooo, it's just a joke :D but my friend Ms. Rum Rum thinks I should not say thing like that cause people will believe it. Now, me being so twisted, I was like so what?! i don't care. I never claimed to be sane nor I ever wanted to be one. I have learned that all the crazy people are at peace and the so called sane one are not. I honestly believe that it's because we all are fucked up inside and the different between the sane and the crazy individual is that crazy people have stopped pretending they are fine while the sane ones still struggling with reality. Let's not take this any longer and go to our topic which is the people in my head...

Last time it told you I manged to make one of them cry and ever since I had a crying voice and two arguing in the back of my head. However, for some reason I am starting to get used to their present in my head but the headache still kills me sometimes. Anyway, I still have a couple of voices free hours every now and then and instead of enjoying them i decided to try talking to them when the are quite. So, this is what happened.....

My voice: will you nice voices in my head talk to me?! pleas :)
...... "nothing"
My voice: I'm welling to listen I swear :D
...... "nothing"
My voice: either one of you answer or I'm going to smash my head into the wall :@ I'm serious.
as I was about to bang my head into my bedroom wall....
Voice no.2: STOP!, don't do it you will hurt your head.
My voice: why do you care it's my head, and don't pretended that you care cause if you did you would not have drove me to the edge of insanity :@
Voice no.2: I'm sorry but you brought it on your self .
My voice: sure I did by talking to you :@>>> I'm really cranky :S
Voice no.2: you asked to talk, I did not start the conversation, you did.
My voice: really, are you going to play this game with me.
Voice no.2: I don't play games, I only state facts.
My voice: I like that but I hate you , anyway who the hell I'm talking to this time??!
Voice no.2: I'm someone you now and cherish :)
My voice: :S, will give me a break. I'm talking to my self .
Voice no.2: hahaha, well I thought you would recognize me right away but I understand you must be tired . I'm the sound of reason and logic .
My voice: No joke, really there is something really wrong with me.
Voice no.2: I know .
My voice: :@ OK, give me a logical explanation to what is happening to me :S
Voice no.2: well you see, you are me and I'm part of you. I can not know what you don't know nor I can tell you what you don't want to hear.
My voice: so, basically you are of no good to me, are you?! let me speak to someone else.
Voice no.2: :S you manged to break your heart and the other one is still mad at you
My voice: who is the other one ??
Voice no.2: of course you don't know cause you never care.
My voice: either you talk to me or I will crack my head open :@
Voice no.2: easy girl, there is no need for threats. the other one is your conscience and the reason why we were arguing is cause it want to die.
My voice: I thought I killed it already :S why it still there?
Voice no.2: you are one hopless girl
My voice: I know :D
Voice no.3: why do you hate me so much :'(
My voice: who are you ? I can't see you remember.
Voice no.3: I'm your conscience....
My voice: Oh, still there just go and kill your self, will you?!>>>> suddenly the noise got louder and louder .
My voice: stop just stop, I'm sorry just stop it.>>> it stopped
Voice no.2: you can't live without conscience you know that, don't you ?!
My voice: I know :@ but I wish I could cause then i won't have any worries or fears ...
Voice no.2: is that what you really think ? your conscience is not the source of your fears and worries. It comes from your actions and reflected on your conscience not the other way around .
My voice: WoW you are good :) OK, so what is the problem with my "conscience" ?! why it want to die?
Voice no.2: cause your conscience thinks you don't care for him .
My voice: it's true, I don't, what's new about that :S
Voice no.2: well, if you are not welling to do the right thing we will stay arguing until you reach an answer.
My voice: is that a threat :@
Voice no.2: No, but no one can help you if you are not welling to help your self.
My voice: there is no winning with you , is it ?
Voice no.2: can any one win an argument with them self !!
My voice: OK, so what I'm supposed to do ?
Voice no.2: you know the answer to that...
My voice: confess my sins, is that it ?
Voice no.2: your conscience just want a relief, any kind of relief.
My voice: OK, tell my conscience I will confess very soon but not today.
I promise.....