You Do Not Understand Me

It's the words you say without knowing what hurt me the most. It's the things you don't mean what torment me. I don't blame you for them and I'm not mad. You don't understand me that's all I want you to know.

"I'm disappointed" he said...

To you, it's just an expression of what you are feeling because I'm a woman who gets jealous for the guy she likes. You don't get me because by saying that you insulted my femininity, and you have insulted the feelings I carry for you. Your disappointment burned me because I want you to look at me with the same admiration I carry for you. I don't want to be less than perfect for you.

"Very low of you" he said...

He thinks I should be fine with him ignore me for no clear reason. He thinks I shouldn't go crazy and he thinks I shouldn't say "I love you". I have to admit, I am ashamed of the last one. It was too soon but I couldn't help it because this is how I felt. He doesn't know I did not want to go out with him because I know how deeply I cared for him and because I knew that falling for him is unavoidable. I know I'm not in my strongest days and maybe I'm confused but that's what I truly believe I felt.

Things he does not understand...

I'm not strong and I'm not brave. I lack confidence and I say what I don't mean. I make mistakes all the time but I know when to apologize. When I make fun of you it's just my way of saying you make me nervous. I look like someone who has it all together but I'm as messed up as woman can be. Beside all the contradiction in me, I'm the most honest person you can find when it comes to the way I feel about you. I don't need your time, money, or anything a girl would usually ask a guy. I only want your heart and that would be more than enough for me.

I'm not brave and I'm not strong, please M.R. don't mistake me for one.

RumRum Evolution

I have witnessed lot's of changes in my friend and sister Maram AKA RumRum. She have evolved from the loner, self containing and one tracked minded medical student to a more life filed and fun friend we know today. It's no secret that I didn't like Maram in 1st, 2nd, and 3rd year but that's only cause I didn't know who she really was...

Maram hide her true color from the people around her, cause no one can understand the true color of innocence in this day and age. She is hard on herself wither she's right or wrong. Still unrealistically idealistic, looking at the world from through her innocent eyes. Trying to understand the irrationality in this world. No matter how hard she can be on herself still reality hunt and torment her, for she can not accept the human in her. She can not accept the true nature of this world. She still refuses to be a part of this unfair equation. All that just add to the beauty of her soul...

I guess what I'm really proud of and think RumRum was able to improve a lot in was, she can show more compassion and understanding to others. Although, she's still hard on herself, she's finally able to accept the flaws in others and she's trying to understand it. Which is not easy to do when you see the world through her idealistic prospective.

When it comes to love, she have matured beyond what I thought she will reach. I'm even learning from her young experience. Though I don't show that, but I have learned some valuable lessons from her. She taught me how important it is to shield your heart and that no one is worth it. She taught me that my heart is made out fine silk and I shouldn't leave it to anyone to play with. I know I'm a lousy student and it will take me a long time to really get it but I appreciate every advice she gives me. 

Finally, I know that no matter how far apart the future will take us, I will always be there for her and she will be there for me...

Biggest Mistake (I Love You)

Biggest mistake of my life, I don't have just one, I have a list -___-" ! Though, my mistake are uncountable, I'm only ashamed of few, and those few will torment me to the rest of my life.

My mistakes range from extremely embarrassing to totally illegal but I can't forgive myself for the ones involving my heart. I can't forgive myself for me putting my heart out there. I can't forgive myself for letting my heart vulnerable to getting heart by anyone. I can't forgive myself for saying I LOVE YOU !

I have always been preserving in saying it and toke my time before spelling it. However, sometime I'm overwhelmed by emotions and lose my senses. Then, I find myself regretting it, either because that person is not worth it or because it's not mutual. I don't know if I had poor judgment or I just don't like listening to the sound of reason in me. In both cases it always my fault, I fell for the wrong man and now I'm lost.

Sometime I think, I might hate myself secretly that's why I'm always setting myself up to get hurt. I start giving excuses to myself but the truth is, it's just another poor judgment I made. Though, my feelings might be real but my timing was wrong.

Another reason was,I put so much trust and hope in people I barely know and that's just a recipe for pain and betrayal. Then, I ask myself the stupid question of why is this happening to me?! -__- Stupid !

Maybe, I'm not as evil as I thought. Maybe, my heart is too pure and incontinent that's why it's too hard for me to understand people and too easy for me to fall for them.

In the end, I always own my mistake and try to change. Though, I usually fail but still get up and move on.

Kony 2012

I first learned about child soldiers around 10 years ago in an online article. After that was the ABC documentary named child soldiers, then the invisible children documentary. I followed the progression of this phenomena in central Africa, and mainly Uganda and Kenya. The story touched me deeply but there wasn't really anything we can do about, nor did I hear of anything local, i.e. in KSA, so I can participate in.

Then came this documentary which puts a face to who is behind all this, Joseph Kony. Kony is head of the Lord's Resistance Army. You can read about him in the link Joseph Kony  . This  monster was the reason behind child soldiers, he abduct kids and recruit them as soldiers and in order to break them he make them kill there parents. He uses the girls as sex slave, and anyone who tries to run away is tortured and killed. Kony makes those kids commit the most heinous crimes, and rip them of their childhood. A child after that will never be able to function in any normal society.

What I would love you all to do is watch this documentary and if you can help, do so. If you can't then just spread it, maybe the word will reach someone who can...

Don't Misunderstand His Kindness

I admit to being guilty of over-thinking and over- analyzing. I over read the details in others actions and it's probably a sign of my own vanity. I want to see something, so I read the words and actions according to what I want them to be. I misunderstand the kindness then wonder why?!!

To be honest, I'm not used to such kindness  nor I know how to be that kind. I over-analyzed the kindness and now I wonder why?! I wonder why he's not into me :/ It was all just part of his personality and I didn't understand that ?!

I guess this world is full of kind individuals and I misunderstood his kindness. The problem is, I don't want to repeat my mistake and fall for a friend again ! Yet I find myself running endlessly in a closed circle. Hoping to find a way out...

Then there is the problem of me being broken beyond fixing ! I'm not ashamed of that, just a little embarrassed to admit it, and I hope it's not just me trying to replace what's missing. I know, I should face such a possibility that it might be nothing more than me trying to replace what's missing. So, I misunderstood the kindness for more than what it is...

There is a pattern here , I jump from one failed relationship to another and then wonder why it failed ?! Never really gave myself the time to heal, and then wonder why it ended the way it did...

To be honest, I'm starting to think maybe I misunderstood his kindness for more because I'm broken.

I hate to grow up but I have to grow up.

Now moving to him, he's charming and witty and it's hard not to fall for that baby face and deviant smile. For heaven's sake, he got 8/10 of my check list for a perfect man. However, I know that the timing is wrong for him and me to be more. There is a lot to say about him, but it's not the time or place to praise a man I do not own.

Now back to me, yes vanity is my sin, I know I need to stop falling for right man who doesn't feel the same way, for the wrong man in the right time, and for the wrong man in the wrong time. I have to take a break, a break from the world and myself, to redefine myself and correct what's wrong with me.

It's time for a new beginning, yes you can have lot's of new beginning as long as you want one...