I Broke a Heart

I never thought I can break a heart on purpose, at least not a person I claim to care for. I broke the heart of a man whom I love and adore. But I came to the realization that love is not the most important factor for a relationship to survive. I realized I want more than love and childish games. I don't want my life to revolve around a man and though I thought I could love for the sake of not being lonely I realized I want more than that. He might be the perfect man, handsome, strong and smart. He is the perfect man but maybe not for me. There was still something missing which I didn't know what it is but now I do know...

I used to laugh at " it's not you it's me" phrase but I guess it is true in some sense. Or is it that I'm turning into something I disrespect. I know I'm not afraid of relationships but I want more than holding hands, or kisses on cheeks, more than the dates and sweet gifts. I want to be that old lady siting in Starbucks waiting for her love, that old man with gray hair, to bring her the coffee. I want to have her smile when she sees his face coming up the stairs and I want a man who would be proud to take me on date and bring me coffee after I'm all old and wrinkled.

I know that I have to be realistic and aim for possible. Gather all the factor that could make a relationship work then if it fails I can tell myself surly it wasn't meant to be. It is not wise to plane for failure then expect success. Chose a man that you will admire for more than his looks after 25 years of being together. A man whom you will still love even if he no longer can bring you the diamond rings. The man whom you can take to your parents and not only be proud to present but also the man they will never refuse. My equation have changed over the past 6 years and will continue to change for I am not meant to be the same.

This is the recipe for success...

Problems of a 17 Years Old Girl

So I couldn't fulfill the every day challenge, apparently it require more than effort and commitment. Why ? Because,
1. Because there is weeks when you are an intern, you bearly have time to wake up, go to the hospital, come back home late, and die just to be revived next day half dead and go to work again.
2. -__-" there is a lot of things that happens everyday which I can't say to the public.
3. :P some legal matters involved.

Instead I'm going to tell you a little bit story was told to me by a doctor about a little girl and women she mat one late night. Here's the story,,,

I realized that I over work myself with  stupid travail problems. I was walking in the hallway crying silently as if I was carrying the world on my shoulder, all because my boyfriend and I broke up ! 

As I'm walking and drying off my tears a woman approached me, she asked me where do they usually do the liver biopsy and that she has an appointment but she is lost in this big hospital. So, I gave her the directions, she thanked and started crying. She told me that they are suspecting metastasis because 3 years ago she had Brest cancer. I, being a social awkward, just told her god help you and sent her off crying on her way. I toke a few steps and then something clicked, I'm gonna go cry about my silly problem and just left a woman who needed a friend go alone. So, I turned back and followed her, I held her hand and told her will find the admission office together.

On our way to the admission office she told me her story. She told that she was diagnosed in 2009 and under went Brest removal. Ever since the surgery her husband abandoned her and the kids. She told me he didn't accept a woman with one Brest. He left her will she was still doing her chemotherapy. I looked at myself while listening to her story and felt so little. She told me they did CT before for her and showed 2 small masses on her liver back in 2009 and the biopsy was negative for metastasis but her latest follow up CT shows massive increase in size which now is highly suspicious of metastasis. 

We got to the admission office and I promised to pray for her. She gave me her file number and phone number and asked me to look in her CT and tell her what I think. Although she knows I'm only an intern she trusted my judgment. I left her to go back to the ER and looked up her CT to be honest it wasn't promising. I prayed for her and went to my work. 

My next case was 17 year old girl, she tried to kill herself by drinking bleach. She didn't drink much, so she's fine. She wouldn't tell the consultant nor the resident why she did it. After they left, I sat down with her, I asked her if it was her boyfriend, she smiled with a tear in her eye. I told her that I broke up with my boyfriend today too. We talked about our problems which wasn't much different. She felt connected for the 1st time and I was ashamed. It's okay for 17 years old girl to think that her world has ended just because a man left her but its not okay for a well accomplished doctor to do so. 

I didn't give it much thought yesterday because I was occupied with my own drama but I had time to think about it today. I need to change...