Even in Bed (An argument with Aphrodite)

​

It’s been a while since I had this kind of clear realization of my own mistakes and to be honest it’s because I allowed myself to be consumed with the life I didn’t envision for myself. It’s the sin of a visionary if I may say so 😝. 

So tnight, during the weeping session over a future I lost because I married the man I love. I got a visit from Aphrodite, she held me in her arms and she allowed me 10 min of tears. Within 8 min I was relieved but she forced me to cry the remaining time just so there is no hate left inside of me.

She then asked me why I was crying over a future that was never yours, to begin with. 

Demo: Never been mine ?! No, no, no, B***H!!! I don’t fail! I mean this is why I’m crying because I feel like a failure like I have lost something in exchange for something less something that does not meet my expectations. 

Aphrodite: But did you get less?! Think about it. You chose the man you thought will give you support to reach your limits and beyond. That “BEYOND” you never could have envisioned it cause it’s beyond YOU! 

Demo: -_-“ I got it, move along, please. 

Aphrodite: You are a Scientist, you never thought you could do that. You used your medical education throughout your career in pharmaceuticals and furthered your education with a master's. You worked from drug development to drug regulation/ investigations and now drug discovery, too. You have worked for a Fortune 500. On top of all that you found a new prime directive to work in project management. I think he gave you more than what he has taken. But you only kept asking for more cause that is who you are. You are never happy cause you are never satisfied with how happy you are. Even if that is true, one must admit he does not make it easy either -_-“. 

Demo: Thank you for that last one you were getting too far there. I thought I may try my new martial arts on you goddess of love 🤬. 

Aphrodite: Settle down Bruce Lee. 

Demo: F**K B***H. 

Of course, we got in a fight and she won cause of course “Goddess of Love” blah blah blah.

So I got in bed with him. Just as I thought, he is sleeping throughout that story, cause why not -_-“. However, I’m here to just fall asleep and I was so cold even though the room wasn’t so cold. I got closer to him to warm my hands. You see I know how warm he gets at night. He was just as warm as I hoped he would be warm in his words and actions towards me in the mornings. Then it hit me, that even in bed I want steel his warmth that even in his sleep I robbed him of his warmth. I just want more and maybe that is truly the best he can do. Maybe when it’s the morning, I have robbed him of all his energy and he just got none left to give. 

He is neuro-atypical and I should love that part of him just as much as I loved every other part of him. Because how can I hate any part of my daughter even if it was the part that causes my unhappiness in this marriage. Maybe he was right maybe the nonbelievers like me are here on earth to give to the believers what they asked of their gods. To be gods tools on earth 🤨 kind of?!  -_-“. Either way, he gave me what he owed me and that is true. He also gave me what I couldn’t have imagined for myself. To be a mother I never thought that would be something I would venture towards willing but differently worth it. I just have to dig deeper and reach further just so I can find more because he deserves it. 

Living with ADHD

For years I thought I was different, I used to tell myself, that is just the nature of me. I am quick on my feet, buzzing aimlessly like bee, ready to explode in rage even when I'm not angry just excited, and can't sleep more than 4 hours because sleep was a waste of time for me. I grew up without friends in school because I was too much for most kids to handle, I barely remember what they taught me in school but I had a wonderful mother who helped me until I was in middle school. I believed I was odd so I decided I don't need friends nor am I going to trust people to come close because they will criticize my loud voice and my over the top hyperkinetic energy. However, I was wrong I went to collage and I meet there the most wonderful group of friends you can meet. People who come closer every time I bushed them away, people who accepted me and loved every bit of crazy in me. And then I left...

I left to be with the man I love, and I am happy but a bit lonely can't stop thinking of all the fun times we had wish I could go back to collage just to be around my friends. Especially now, after I learned about my ADHD diagnosis I realized what a good group of friends I had, they loved my craziness and my pathological energy. Something probably I will never find again and I can't stop thinking will they like me now that I am on medication as much as they loved me when I was off, or will the new friends I might meet in the future like me because I am on medication and once I am off they won't.
I don't know about the future friends but I believe that my current friends won't care cause they tolerated me at my worse.

I miss my old life though my new life is exciting enough. I have a new university, a master degree in a new field and a whole new city to explore. What not to like?! It's probably just the fear of failure which have accompanied me my whole life until I realized it's just another symptom of ADHD and though I am on medication all my fear and worries did not go away but at lest I feel like I am equipped to take on new challenges and maybe just maybe I can reach my fullest potential this time.

Summer Night's Dream

I'm just a summer night's dream 

A breeze of warm wind swipe you off your feet

Taking you to another dimension where time fly by

Even if you spend years trying to get enough 

Just like a mirage of water in the heat of desert 

You will never get enough 

Cause I'm just a summer night's dream 

For everyone and for only you 

Just like a kiss in a dark back street 

A love story starts between you and the breeze

And before you realize that you fell in love 

The breeze of wind passes and you are back 

Back to reality where people don't fall in love with a breeze of wind 

That's why summer night's dream starts with sunset and ends before dawn

Now the breeze of warm wind have left you all alone 

Waiting for another dreamer...

Limbo of Disbelievers

In between sleep and awake, a trip I used take. A bumpy old road I used to hate cause goblins  and golems used to creep. It's been a while since I've been there but here I am. A familiar old friend I see, with hollow eyes he greet me and with his smile, his eyes emerge from their darkness. They say "The eyes are the window to the soul" but what would you think the eyes of a creature with no soul look like ?!

"It's been while you got lost in wonderland" he said

"Why don’t deal with your hell and leave me deal with mine, Mr. Cheshire"  I replied

And just in time there comes the raven form another horror classic singing "Nevermore will I love again, nevermore will I kill again, nevermore will I enjoy eating your heart"

"I thought there was two of those damned birds ?" I was wondering to my eyeless friend…

"There still, but one of them inside the other one…" he replied…

"I guess cannibalism will always be a theme in this alter universe ?!" mocking...

"Says more about you than us, why don't you walk around and see how it differs now that you "think" you are cured …"  Showing me that old grin...

"I might as well do bitch ! " passing him beyond, further into nowhere, into what could be oblivious .

I find myself in garden of thrones where a man is in pain, oddly I don’t find myself wanting to help. Now that I think of it maybe deep down I'm not as helpful as I thought. As I watched him scream in pain the thrones start blossoming fire, now I know he's in labor, he's giving birth. A man is giving birth, does not shock me, I'm more intrigued by the fire flowers. I could see the baby now, if you can call it that, it's not human it's a foal. Still I'm not surprised because it's a man giving birth I had hunch it's not going to be human. Now the fire flowers are running out tuning into ashes. I started singing "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, the man and his horse have turned to rust".

I don't know where I was, I know it's just an insomniac hallucination. It's just been a while and I do miss those insomniac trips maybe they were my drugs. I guess, I shouldn't judge. That been said it does  proof  that the answer to all your disbelieves lies within you.

I want to see those fire flowers again.

CrossRoad

We all pass through different paths in life, sometimes it's easy to fined your way which is not always the right way but at lest it's yours. Other times it's not that easy and you find yourself crossing the path with great deal uncertainty. Which even more ironic is when your path cross with someone else who's walking the same path but more steadily and calmly.

So, again it differ for a reason or another which may relate to your past experiences or the lack of them. But before we make this choice we must face this crossroad. In literature crossroads have been linked to the devil, you make a pack with him there as symbolizing difficulty of choice. Or maybe I'm rambling because I can't sleep either way I guess I'm there, at crossroad.

Dear Devil,

If you exist please let's make a pack and my soul will be yours to have. That soul have brought nothing but agony and crap. And when I die, your bride I will be to the depth of hell you can take me and those devilish children I will bare cause the world is too beautiful and need a little bit of ugliness.

I guess I was right, I'm rumbling nonsense since the time for my bed have passed and my dreams have escaped. Will I wait or on to the next thing I will move.

25 Year Old Never Been Kissed

I feel like I'm exhausted and my heart is gasping for a relief. Tired from jumping from one relationship to another relationship coming out of each weaker and tired. Maybe sometimes I get out a little bit smarter and have learned something but generally tired.

I have been in all sort of relationships, but had minimal if no physical contact. I don't believe sex is a very importing component of a relationship. But still it's necessary for the relationship to evolve from childhood to adulthood. Our society is frustrated sexually and anyone who contradict that is blind and I was one of those people. 25 year old and never been kissed, what have I gained from that ?! Nothing !

It's true that I have my own personal drama which might have played a role in this frustration but I'm not willing to share it here, at lest not in this post.

Anyways, I have met the cutest guy who makes me laugh so hard I get an asthma attack. He's kind and compassionate and I like that he is opinionated in a very logical way. The fact that he believes in nothing makes him even more attractive to me :P. So, I wanted to  get out of my comfort zone, do something I have never did before and I kissed him. It was weird I expected he's lips to smell like cigarets, since he;s a smoker, but no it was sweet and soft. I wished it would last forever and though I know most defiantly it won't but I just hope even if we part our own ways we get back together some day.

I Broke a Heart

I never thought I can break a heart on purpose, at least not a person I claim to care for. I broke the heart of a man whom I love and adore. But I came to the realization that love is not the most important factor for a relationship to survive. I realized I want more than love and childish games. I don't want my life to revolve around a man and though I thought I could love for the sake of not being lonely I realized I want more than that. He might be the perfect man, handsome, strong and smart. He is the perfect man but maybe not for me. There was still something missing which I didn't know what it is but now I do know...

I used to laugh at " it's not you it's me" phrase but I guess it is true in some sense. Or is it that I'm turning into something I disrespect. I know I'm not afraid of relationships but I want more than holding hands, or kisses on cheeks, more than the dates and sweet gifts. I want to be that old lady siting in Starbucks waiting for her love, that old man with gray hair, to bring her the coffee. I want to have her smile when she sees his face coming up the stairs and I want a man who would be proud to take me on date and bring me coffee after I'm all old and wrinkled.

I know that I have to be realistic and aim for possible. Gather all the factor that could make a relationship work then if it fails I can tell myself surly it wasn't meant to be. It is not wise to plane for failure then expect success. Chose a man that you will admire for more than his looks after 25 years of being together. A man whom you will still love even if he no longer can bring you the diamond rings. The man whom you can take to your parents and not only be proud to present but also the man they will never refuse. My equation have changed over the past 6 years and will continue to change for I am not meant to be the same.

This is the recipe for success...

Problems of a 17 Years Old Girl

So I couldn't fulfill the every day challenge, apparently it require more than effort and commitment. Why ? Because,
1. Because there is weeks when you are an intern, you bearly have time to wake up, go to the hospital, come back home late, and die just to be revived next day half dead and go to work again.
2. -__-" there is a lot of things that happens everyday which I can't say to the public.
3. :P some legal matters involved.

Instead I'm going to tell you a little bit story was told to me by a doctor about a little girl and women she mat one late night. Here's the story,,,

I realized that I over work myself with  stupid travail problems. I was walking in the hallway crying silently as if I was carrying the world on my shoulder, all because my boyfriend and I broke up ! 

As I'm walking and drying off my tears a woman approached me, she asked me where do they usually do the liver biopsy and that she has an appointment but she is lost in this big hospital. So, I gave her the directions, she thanked and started crying. She told me that they are suspecting metastasis because 3 years ago she had Brest cancer. I, being a social awkward, just told her god help you and sent her off crying on her way. I toke a few steps and then something clicked, I'm gonna go cry about my silly problem and just left a woman who needed a friend go alone. So, I turned back and followed her, I held her hand and told her will find the admission office together.

On our way to the admission office she told me her story. She told that she was diagnosed in 2009 and under went Brest removal. Ever since the surgery her husband abandoned her and the kids. She told me he didn't accept a woman with one Brest. He left her will she was still doing her chemotherapy. I looked at myself while listening to her story and felt so little. She told me they did CT before for her and showed 2 small masses on her liver back in 2009 and the biopsy was negative for metastasis but her latest follow up CT shows massive increase in size which now is highly suspicious of metastasis. 

We got to the admission office and I promised to pray for her. She gave me her file number and phone number and asked me to look in her CT and tell her what I think. Although she knows I'm only an intern she trusted my judgment. I left her to go back to the ER and looked up her CT to be honest it wasn't promising. I prayed for her and went to my work. 

My next case was 17 year old girl, she tried to kill herself by drinking bleach. She didn't drink much, so she's fine. She wouldn't tell the consultant nor the resident why she did it. After they left, I sat down with her, I asked her if it was her boyfriend, she smiled with a tear in her eye. I told her that I broke up with my boyfriend today too. We talked about our problems which wasn't much different. She felt connected for the 1st time and I was ashamed. It's okay for 17 years old girl to think that her world has ended just because a man left her but its not okay for a well accomplished doctor to do so. 

I didn't give it much thought yesterday because I was occupied with my own drama but I had time to think about it today. I need to change...

Day 3 " OR with Dr.Abeidi"

I got to see my 1st sleeve gastrectomy with dr. Abeidi. To put it in simple words, it was awesome ! Regardless of the fact we where in OR from 8 am to 5 pm I was extremely happy ! it's funny how you can forget you are tired when you are doing something you love or maybe it's only me after all I'm a self confessed workaholic.

I learned something new, which it keep the happy day, like today, in a box and take it out when u need in an ugly day.

P.S: The sight of someone today also made this day special ;)

Day 2 "Getting Started"

So, I'm still getting lost in KKUH, but to be honest it's a beautiful place. I'm scared to meet M.R. but as long as I have Mr.Model :) I'm happy and I believe I can face anything. Mr.Model :P I wanna talk about that but probably in another post.

My patient of one day was discharged and although we where together for one day she left praying for me and wishing me happiness. It's days like this when I fall in love with medicine again. Sadly, she's a terminal case and will end up dead but at lest I was able to make her happy for one day. May god bless her soul wherever she may go.

I also got to teach some lovely girls today. I don't like really teaching but when you meet such smart and bright students, you ought love teaching. They where laughing at my stupid jokes and we were enjoying the boring process of teaching. I think I'm changing my opinion about teaching :/

Anyhow, tomorrow is the weekend and I'm gonna go to the OR YAAAAH ! :D I love the OR in NGH it's my favorite place.

See you all tomorrow. ;)