Get that Baby Out of Me

As I stand in the hallway, my clothes are getting tighter and my head scarf now cutting my breath. I want to take it off, to take everything off, to scream at the top of my lungs but I'm still here in the hospital hallway. Look for an empty room, I tell myself, but no luck. If only I didn't call her, if only I didn't ask her how she's doing, if only I can cry, I keep repeating these words to myself and the more I did the closer to asphyxiation I get.

Her words play over and over in my head, it's over "it" no more living inside me, that's what she said. Her voice was tired yet had the same careless cold tone. I don't want to judge her, cause I know I'll never understand the life she lived. I remembered the first day she told me and asked for my help.
She said" I want "it" out of me, I can't have "it" now. Do you know anyone who can help me?".
I said" Hmmm, nope sorry can't help you with "it" but may I know the reason why you don't want "it".

At first all her excuses sounded lame but then who am I to judge?! I did not live her life and don't know what it mean to "want and not get". I listened to her story and I found myself being less convinced of her reasons to abort "it". So dispersed to win, I found myself saying things I normally would not say. Like" try getting closer to god, pray for your peace of mind and soul, and think of the after life and god punishments for the sinner" I felt so phony saying these things to her when she and I know what I believe in is way far from that.

After all, nothing could change her mind and she got "it" out of her body.

I know I did everything I could and whatever happened after that was not in my hand or power to fix but yet it's "defeat". I can't get over the sense that I just lost a "battle". I want to pretend it's because I lost a "life" but the truth is I don't consider "it" to be a "life".

I now found myself walking aimless around the hospital. I almost finished 2 rounds and I no longer feel the ground under my feet. I try to take a breath but my chest is not moving. Looking back, I was mad at the kids who stopped to flirt with me but then if it wasn't for them I probably would not have snapped out of it and kept on walking for hours more. They were creepy so I went back inside the hospital.

I can't really say there is a lesson I learned here and I'm not rethinking my values either. Abortions should be legal and left for ones own values and believes. We doctors should not be bias to one opinion over another. We should not try to enforce our believe system onto our patients cause then we will create unsafe environment where people will look for those who deliver what they need at any cost.

So, YES to giving condoms, birth-control, and needles for free on the streets
YES for no questions asked law
YES for free abortions clinics