Smoke it ;)

Yeah, people it's about freakin weed and why it should be legal. Warning, this post is going to be filled with some classic stoner's slang. So, enjoy yourselves XD

So, I have been accused of being a Stoner since many years ago. Maybe because I'm well educated when it comes to weed or the fact that I act and talk like one sometimes. To be honest, I found acting like a stoner sometimes made my life easier. I mean, imagine living without a worry or care wouldn't that be a freeing and refreshing. Don't get me wrong, I'm all about hard work and achieving your maximum potentials. However, every now and then we all wish if we could relax and blow a stick or at lest get a hit to help us forget the moment.

It's times like tonight when I'm heartbroken and having an exam tomorrow that I'm sure I'm going to flunk, I wish, I had some Budda, hubbly bubbly, and just smoke off the pain. So, I can forget about the past and tomorrow, and just live in the moment to the fullest.

I'm not talking about shit like an A-bomb or banano, just at lest a ditchweed won't hurt every now and then :P. I honestly think, it will reduce the crime rate in the country. Just think of the reason that make humans commit crimes, most of it can be summarized in their personal problems. So, imagine a thing that will make you forget all those problems. To me forgetting the problem is part of solving it XD. Not convinced, :) the crime rate in Amsterdam is lower than any other metropolis. Of course, I wanted to compare it with the crime rate in our beloved country but it's impossibles due to insufficiency of data XD.

So, light up a Pin or even better get yourself Phillies Blunt and smoke the pain away. For a day, spoil yourself and become another Viper and let your worries fly and disappear with the smoke...

I swear, I'm not a Stoner :P

P.S. If you didn't get any of the slang I'll be happy to explain :D

For the Sake of Argument

For the sake of argument, just an argument, cause I can't help but be argumentative at time and places like today.

What if the world stops, no wind , no sound , no light or color. All good have gone and all bad as well. The world now is a better place in definition, cause there is no war, hunger or fear. Would it be?!

So, it's an argument, what if we didn't exist?!! Would this plant be at peace :S I would think not.
We battle lust, greed, vanity, and envy. All what has been called evil within us by us where the truth is, it's only part of our nature without it we won't be humans. It's part of our genes to survive.

So, for the sake of argument and it's just an argument, what if they who we call evil where in fact the genetically evolved form of human beings. What if they were nature way of saying, this plant no longer can carry this huge numbers and it's now survival of the fittest.

And it was just an argument, cause we are all good at judging each other but never been good at judging our selves. We think we are good and when we do bad we think that we have a good reason or even worse, we have the right to do so. Wanting more and needing more is part of success. Being ambitious means that no matter how big your success was, you will always want more and you will look for what's above.

So, for the sake of argument and it's just an argument, what if you wake up tomorrow to find that right has become wrong and evil has become good. Would you still do what was right despite every rule you ever made of not doing wrong?! or would you fallow the world and stand on the safe side?! I think we all would choose the 1st and do the 2nd cause talk is cheap ;)

Anarchy I Want It to Be

The flames of revolutions is spreading, and people finally repealing against tyranny and injustice. It started in Tunisia, then Egypt, and now it's in Yemen, Bahrain, Morocco and Italy. God only knows who's next :P so be ready. I'm glad cause it's been a long time since anything good came out of the middle east and look at us we are exporting revolutions, how cool is that?! :D

Someone should really explain to Arabs rulers what dose a republic mean :S cause I don't think that Ali Abdullah Saleh understand. Mr. Saleh you don't "step down" you have been a president for to damn long. 33 year :S, you do remember Mr. Saleh, Yemen still a democratic republic. Also, you should take a lesson from Mr. Mubark, I mean who are you trying to fool with those "civilian allies" of yours. It was obvious they were bought consciences, from your so called "army" better called mercenaries. I can't help to think 10 years from now, what would those men tell their kids?! would they say we fought for your dignity and freedom or we fought for our country?

In the gulf region we lake "true" patriotism and I insist on "true". It's not wearing the color of your flag or going out on rallies in the national day without even knowing why it's a national day. Patriotism is far more than singing your national anthem in the morning. Unfortunately, I can't tell you what it is because I have yet to experience it. I brought this topic up because, what happened in Bahrain deeply upsets me. What if it happened here?! would the army exterminate us as if we where worthless insect. If so, how we can stay or be patriotic toward a country that consider our life to be worthless just due to slight disagreement which the constitution stand by us on it. However, thank god, this will never happen in my country. First, we don't have a constitution, thank god, constitutions are for secular idiots to protect their rights. Second, if any disagreement occurred we don't get the army involved, we send the secret services and they take them to an undisclosed location to the rest of their lives :D

Last but not least, Mr. Al Gaddafi your news light up my day. You are the only man who understood revolution with all it's aspect :P. However, one question consume my mind. If you were not part of the government and that the government is corrupted not you, what makes you think that by protesting on the streets you can win more than what you could in office and if so what's the use of being a president if you can't at least fix corruptions. I would recommend, you stay the leader of a revolution and leave Libya work it's problems, OK?! :D

That's why long time ago I decided, I want to live in an anarchy cause what's the point of governments if all what they do is steal and dictate how should and should not my life go...

A NAR CHY...
A NAR CHY...
A NAR CHY...

For the Sake of Freedom

In the beginning of the Egyptian protests, I wasn't really following the news nor cared to read about what is happening in the world. For god sakes, it's not like I'm not happy Tunis got it's freedom back but do we have to smell it's shit every day now?!. Not only that :( it will be eating drinking and shopping with us :@. Don't get me wrong but we need the money and it's not like there is anything good coming from his majesty's residents in our lovely country. For god sakes, wasn't he the man who forbid hejab to be worn in school and Athan from being held in Tunisia mosques. So, I don't think our country is his cup of tea :S

Dear King Abdullah, I know you felt sorry for him but that what they call karma or let me put it in words you know before, remember tsunami that was not god punishment for the sinners, what's happening with Bin Ali is god punishment.

To be honest in the first 2 day I thought that this Egyptian protest is just anther propaganda, so TV network can cash out while people still hoked on democracy and freedom drama. My days consisted of going to living room for a couple of words with mom and dad then back to my cave and if I hold a newspaper, I go straight to sudoku page . Now it's the 3rd day, mommy and daddy still talking about, I tell myself " those people got some guts maybe I should check what's going on". It 28 January, first Mubarak speech, I laughed when he said" my instructions was to provide for the citizens a chance to express their opinions" or when he said that these protests and the one before them would not exist if there wasn't a space of freedom and democracy for them to exist in the first place. I would like to take a pause....

Dear Mr. president soon just Mr. Hosni Mubarak, people courage to fight you came out of hunger. Also, the reason they sleep on the streets, in this cold, is either they don't have the money for heater back home or they don't have the money for a home in the first place :@ So, no matter how strong you think yourself remember you are fighting people with nothing to lose...

Back to his first speech, he goes on " I know how my people feel, the extent of their suffering and I have been working on it for years" really?! will now ladies and gentlemen we have reach a new level of bullshit. OK, he is argent enough to ask for his government reassignment but he will not move from the chair as if they were the origin of the problem :S. By the way, can he be any sweeter than that :) it's as if he is talking to 10 year old kids. I don't think he gets that people lives were wasted. Oh, what is wrong with me?! with Mubarak's 7 billions he can buy and sell human lives.

However, what really got into me is the resent news when king Abdullah take Mubarak's side and against America. Why?! I don't get it! No I don 't want to understand. You don't stand against people well. Cause not all people can live without dignity and chose to live in suppression :/ Not all people choose to look the other way when it comes to the truth. Not all people close their mind and gave up their free well in return of "safety and prosperity" We are not the same...

Dear King Abdullah, I got really furious when I heard that you will provide all the help that Mubarak need in his unfair fight. For god sakes, we need the money :S jeddah still need a lot of fixing, King Abdulaziz University need maintenance, people did not get their compensations and when you finish from all that we have 30% under poverty line and unemployment rate going up and I'm still waiting for the solution since I was 5th grad :S Come to think about it, if the help to Mubarak is going the same as our solutions to Jeddah's problems?! Egyptian people FREEDOM IS COMING! XD

Get that Baby Out of Me

As I stand in the hallway, my clothes are getting tighter and my head scarf now cutting my breath. I want to take it off, to take everything off, to scream at the top of my lungs but I'm still here in the hospital hallway. Look for an empty room, I tell myself, but no luck. If only I didn't call her, if only I didn't ask her how she's doing, if only I can cry, I keep repeating these words to myself and the more I did the closer to asphyxiation I get.

Her words play over and over in my head, it's over "it" no more living inside me, that's what she said. Her voice was tired yet had the same careless cold tone. I don't want to judge her, cause I know I'll never understand the life she lived. I remembered the first day she told me and asked for my help.
She said" I want "it" out of me, I can't have "it" now. Do you know anyone who can help me?".
I said" Hmmm, nope sorry can't help you with "it" but may I know the reason why you don't want "it".

At first all her excuses sounded lame but then who am I to judge?! I did not live her life and don't know what it mean to "want and not get". I listened to her story and I found myself being less convinced of her reasons to abort "it". So dispersed to win, I found myself saying things I normally would not say. Like" try getting closer to god, pray for your peace of mind and soul, and think of the after life and god punishments for the sinner" I felt so phony saying these things to her when she and I know what I believe in is way far from that.

After all, nothing could change her mind and she got "it" out of her body.

I know I did everything I could and whatever happened after that was not in my hand or power to fix but yet it's "defeat". I can't get over the sense that I just lost a "battle". I want to pretend it's because I lost a "life" but the truth is I don't consider "it" to be a "life".

I now found myself walking aimless around the hospital. I almost finished 2 rounds and I no longer feel the ground under my feet. I try to take a breath but my chest is not moving. Looking back, I was mad at the kids who stopped to flirt with me but then if it wasn't for them I probably would not have snapped out of it and kept on walking for hours more. They were creepy so I went back inside the hospital.

I can't really say there is a lesson I learned here and I'm not rethinking my values either. Abortions should be legal and left for ones own values and believes. We doctors should not be bias to one opinion over another. We should not try to enforce our believe system onto our patients cause then we will create unsafe environment where people will look for those who deliver what they need at any cost.

So, YES to giving condoms, birth-control, and needles for free on the streets
YES for no questions asked law
YES for free abortions clinics

1+1= 0

Revelation About Logic..
It's the power of ill-logic that dominant every aspect of our lives, and that is my new revelation. As hard as we pretended, try to make sense of the no sense, and hope that reality will not kick us in the butt. It will always do the question is and will always remain how much are we willing to admit?!

The Dilemma of Faith...
I go back and forth in faith. I test god, I test his patience, I test how far I can go with my vanity before, the mighty one, struck me dead. Is it that I have a secret wish to die or Is that I have no faith in GOD!?
Can we call god he or she? use his or her? If not what should I use?! What should I say?! Lot's of questions without answers and probably lot's of answers left missing cause we are to scared to look for them...
I guess this what scared me the most questions left unanswered. Is there a specific phobia for that?! What would it be called :D tell me in the comment.

Wash Away Your Sins...
Going back and forth with my faith look for no answer. I'm looking for a relieve...
Isn't that what agonize the human race from the beginning of time?! Why are we here?! What are we supposed to do?!
Some say that it's randomness, it's a random coincidence that made us exist in this universe. Also since Chaos brought us, in chaos we will leave as Nostradamus predicts. All heavenly books and the earthly ones although write a different beginnings, end with the same structure of destruction.

The Suffering of a Planet...
What a POOR planet you have no escape?! It's like they all know what crimes they have done toward you and so to relieve their worries they blame destiny in all it's shapes.
Why there is no end to where humans can live happily ever after on this earth without the need for it to be destroyed?!
Why there is no ending where the earth is clean from every organic matter living or not as long as it cause pain and suffering to others?!
Why there is no ending where the earth is back to being a virgin before anyone raping her....

Pleasure and Pain

For those who still think they run of the mill, I want to tell you that pleasure and pain for you might not be so different. Yes, I know, I'm not "normal' to judge but, the more I looked into it the more sense it made.

So, I was reading in Spinoza's Ethics ,an online version of the book in the link, and one of the things that I started to wonder about how different is pleasure and pain?!. In part III: On the origin and nature of the affect Spinoza defines pleasure as "passive state wherein the mind passes to a greater perfection" and pain " passive state wherein the mind passes to a lesser perfection". So, they fall on the same line just at different poles. Then, comes the facts that the degree of perception and interpretation is subjective and different for every human. As some humans may have higher threshold to pain some have lower threshold to pleasure therefore need more to be happy. On the contrary, some may be content with so little in life.

Yet, no real similarity have been established...
The line between pleasure and pain disappear some time when you expect a certain end result. Sometimes the mind needs to pass to a lesser perfection to reach perfection. We can take childbirth as an example of pain that end with pleasure, or when you study for a test in a subject you love and get a good grade. Then comes another question, WHAT IF the child died after birth or you failed the test, will we reach the ultimate pain i.e. lesser perfection, and isn't that the same as pleasure i.e. perfection because now you reached the perfect pain. We can say that we found our-self in a "cycle"by Jaz where we go from perfect pain to pleasure which could also mean acceptance of reality...

There is also a point that need to be raised...
What about those who enjoy agony?! is there really pleasure in less than perfect pain?! or was Spinoza talking about the normal individuals. However, haven't we all done it once or twice?! We do things although we know it's going to hurt us. We get attached to people and thing that only cause us pain. What if?! the real intentions is not to enjoy the pain but to punish ourselves sub-consciously for things we did or did not do?! Whatever pain we receive dose not really give pleasure but it provides some relive from a tormented consciences and a helpless soul....

Can these souls reach salvation?!
We always have the key in one hand, the answer and the solution, yet we choose to look away. Those who, or these things that torment us have little or no power over us. We hold the key chain , therefore we hold the power over ourselves and over them. Their existences are a mere coincidence if they did not exist we would have found something else to agonize this loaded shell with sins.

And that's Why forgiveness start from within...

A Day In A Café

I don't go out much and when I do, it's usually with my fellow inmate, oh, I mean my family. Since I reached my twenties I had a lot of fights with the department of internal affairs AKA mommy about my right to go out without a chaperon. Mom is no easy fight , I mean if it was dad a kiss on the cheeks, a big smile and the job is done but mom has a counter magic to all our spills :@. I guess it's part of being a woman.

After long fights and endless nights, mommy finally agree to let me go out alone. You might wonder what so exciting about going out alone. :S well, I don't know just because I'm not allowed to do so. I think if I can sit alone with a cup of coffee in one hand and a book in the other hand, I will be the happiest person in the world. Silly, maybe, but to me that is happiness.

So I got my day of happiness, and what a day it was ?! I ordered my coffee and I was reading the book while I waited for the coffee. Held the book and the tray and went up the stairs. OMG ,he was halve setting halve sleeping on the couch, his eyes were green blue and some other color I couldn't keep looking at him cause I was distracted by his perfectly shaped body. Two things sit me off, the way he way was looking at me, being a piece of meat may appeal to some girls but not to me :@ I'm no piece of meat mister . The 2nd thing was the lady that was sitting next to him although she looked older the way she was cuddling his bold head tells me she is more than just a mom or aunt and I'm sure my bro will kill me if I touched his head that way in public specially in front of the ladies :P

Anyway, I through my tray with some phony anger and though my face turned away my eyes followed them. If my impotent social life did not intercede for me, I don't know what will :P.

I watch as he lean more into her arms and wondered where could his arms be. It's a public place that shall remain unnamed but for a second I wondered " am I still in KSA?!" "is that why my parents did not want me to go out alone" "why I don't see all these thing when I am with them" " is there some sort of a parental filter they turn on" I guess I can come up with a lot of questions and probably no answers .

Now he get up , and OMG he has a really cute ass, my train of thought is disrupt. Shit, he is holding her bag, and now I am going to kill her WHY?! The hell I kill myself trying to get thin when she can get a guy like that with an ass like hers :@@@ I hate her .

I guess my point of view my parents were right . I am not to be let out of the house alone :P

No, No, No, let's talk about what this post is really about. The people I just described were clearly on a date and I am more than sure that the guy was not wearing a ring :P so, what's the fuss is all about the café was full Saudi families whom appear to be conservative and non I did not hear any of them say that we are a conservative country and these thing should not happen here in the country of Islam. or is that the privacy that we have to protect. This may be a sign progress or just the expected duplicity from your average middle eastern country.

And though it may be in few word I hope you see it :D…..

Unattainable Love

I have been having a mental block for a while now. I wish writing this will cure that.

If you came here for a light laugh, a funny and witty post, I am sorry to tell you that this post is not about that.

If you came here for a big shout and sharp words in political injustice, I am sorry to tell you that this post is not about that either.

It's simply about the time I lost trust in the Y chromosome. I learned that parents are humans who are capable of making mistakes . I learned that one day I will do a mistake, I once told my kids not to do. Funny to think, my biggest fear was fear of being unable to show my love to my kids, but now I worry about what I'm going to teach them. I have to worry about the mistakes I'm going to do, not only to them but to myself as well. I guess my biggest fear now has become that I won't be the ideal person they could learn from, and that my mistakes will place them amidst conflicts that would push them to years of therapy. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents, but somewhere along the way, I seemed to have forgotten that they are human too. I know they have needs, but I never thought that they would do wrong to fulfill those needs. Sorry to say this, but I wish they would turn into inanimate objects, robots, to be more specific. Then, it'll be easy for me to predict their next step, just like Rubik's cube. No matter how I twist it, it'll always assume the right configuration. I know which configuration the cube will assume every time i attempt to twist it. I wish all humans turn into Rubik's cubes, not because I'll be able to control them, but because I want them to be more predictable ,less complicated, and more comprehensible, and maybe, just maybe a little easier to manipulate :P

When did I stop being a child and become their "Personal Advisor"?! I know they don't trust my judgment, I don't trust my own judgment either. When I thought about that fact, I reached a conclusion. They don't want me to be their personal advisor, they just want someone to sympathize and agree with them. My true opinion states ''Bad choice mom and dad''. However, not only my parents do that, we all do or have done that for at least once in our lives. We wine and cry to our parents, partner, friend just to get their sympathy, not to look for advise cause no one is really stupid. We choose not to see the right answer because it's hard for us to do or to accept it.

I'm scared that the apple won't fall far from the tree, that I will one day lose my kids' respect, or scar them for life because of a need or a fling I once craved for in midsummer madness….

People Will Talk

This topic has been bothering me since I hit 9 and I had to wear Hejab. The book of forbids have been opened telling the story of "the army of DON'Ts" whom incarcerated my life and turn it into hell. Why?! Give me a reason for the Don't do that?! or don't go there?! or don't play with the boys? be A NORMAL HUMAN BEING, be A GIRL, be A NORMAL GIRL . The answer is always the same: cause people will talk bad of you :S. Well, I don't care for what those people think of me and their replay is always the same: girls form respected families don't say that and it's another DON'T.

If only I can meet those people….
Haven't you ever wonder if those people who will talk are the same people who will talk about your sister, mom, or friends if they committed a social DON'T. Or ever thought, why no one stop them, isn't bad to talk about people behind their back. That assuming they know you but if they don't , what give them the right to judge you. Why they are not brave enough to ,at least, say it to my face :@.

Finally….
The argument either start or end by" girls from good families or let's say Banat Al7maile", what if I wasn't one of those girls, will it be OK to be myself….

It's a post out of frustration that's why it's short. I'm still holding a lot inside, may be I will write more later :( .