A Post Every Day for 2013 !

Like every year we make a lot of promises for the new year but keep little. So, I'm gonna try to challenge myself this year and see if I can commit to at lest this; I'm going to write a post every day during 2013. It may not be important or maybe it will be just a crazy rant but it will be fun and sometimes funny.

Plus, you can follow my life which may not be funny and sometimes a bit melodramatic but you can share your opinion and maybe even learn from my mistakes. With the hectic life of a medical intern, it will be very hard but I'll do my best.

So, lets hope that 2013 and will bring happiness, love and joy to all of you and me....

The Story About a Little Wild Star

     This is a story about a little wild star who thought she figured it all. She was free with no care in the world. The little wild star had caring parents; the sun and the moon were her parents. They cared and loved her, and thought they can keep her safe from all the demons and sorrow in the world. However, the little wild star thought they were restricting her freedom and keeping her on short leash. She never knew there are ugly souls and demons in this world...

     Every now and then, the little wild star would break the rules that the sun and the moon have set to protect the little wild star. The little star would feel a great whenever she breaks a rule thinking that this is what freedom mean. Not knowing she was risking a lot. Until one day she lost her luck. Her mother, the moon, have told her not go into the earth, for the earth is filled with scary monster and ugly souls and told her to wait the sun to come and shine on the earth. But the little wild star did not like what the moon said and thought she can handle whatever hardship the earth might bring. She thought she has strength to fight the demons...

     The little wild star sneaked out to go on an adventure exploring earth and what's hidden there. If you looked through her eyes back then, you would see rainbows, butterflies, unicorns and fairies. She was just a child after all. Excited and thinking she owned the earth and what stories of bravery she would tell to her mother the moon, not knowing at the time that a couple of evil eyes were watching her from far. Those dead hallow eyes belonged to one of the ugly souls her mother never told her about but was always trying to protect her from. The little wild star was distracted by the earth beauty; meanwhile those eyes were still watching waiting for the right time to steal that little star innocent...

     In the blink of an eye, the little wild star innocent smile was stolen by the ugly soul. The little wild star was lucky to escape with what's left of her herself and flew back to the safe home she know in the sky. She no longer had that innocent smile, so she toke a tear from her eye and drew a fake smile to fool everyone around. And so she did, her parents never noticed what's left her soul nor she would let anyone go deep enough to see that she is wearing a fake smile...

White Chocolate

White chocolate, most people know it's not really chocolate but they keep calling it "chocolate". I used to hate that ! If it's not chocolate don't call it chocolate. I was very deference about it, still a bit deference but for whole different reason...

I used to have a dentition to everything, I go by set of rules to control me and keep me centered. Then, my world was turned up side down that damned night and my world went into complete chaos. I no longer believe in rules or dentition, and I decided to look to things differently. Told myself, lets start with " white chocolate ".

I went to a store and got a bar of white chocolate. Opened the bar and kept looking at for hours then it started to melt. I played with it, smelt it, licked my finger, damn ! It taste, smells and feels like chocolate, why was I so stubborn about it ! So what, if it's not made out of full cocoa, they used it's butter at lest.I guess, I was a racist but I finally grew out of it.

To be honest, I respect white chocolate now. Despite the fact that everyone remind her, that she is not a real chocolate, she still feels, smells and tastes like chocolate. So what I am not a real chocolate, you still find me tasty. This is what I hear when I hold white chocolate in my hand. I smile and take a big bite of it and I thank her for showing me a different side of the story...

In fact nowadays, whenever I have white and dark chocolate together, I keep the white chocolate for the last because I love it now...
 

Self - Actualization

As a part of fixing my self, I'm siting in front of a mirror trying to take a good look at myself. Of course I start hurting my self with my own insecurities. My head is too big, my nose is huge, my ears look like Dumbo's ears. Fuck I look like Dumbo, then I wake up from my self-conscious hallucinations and realize it should be more like soul search than my mind fuck. After losing all of my self confidence -_-" I start seeing who I am on the inside...

I have to be honest and admit that I don't like the mess I see inside. I can see where I have done wrong, I let the worse of it get the best of me. I forgot who I'm supposed to be, I forgot what I have accomplished so far, and I forgot who I am. I let his problems define me, his rejection overwhelm me, and his stupidity rule me. I could have been the worst thing that happened to him. Yeah, If he thinks that I showed him hell, he's mistaken, I just opened a window on my Tartarus. However, that ended without seeing the best of it. Enough about him, this should be about me...

When I look at myself, I see the girl who lost, her family, her dream, and herself. It was an accumulative effect no ones fault but me. I don't believe in myself, I lost my fire but at lest I can admit it. I let myself slip through the cracks and I lost that spark in my eyes that spark that kept me going when things got dark...

To be honest I hate who I became, or whom I let myself become because of few pumps and heartbreaks along what can be a really long and lonely road. However, I'm still standing and my story have still not ended...

LA

Ok so I'm still angry u wont tell me who u r -____- but I need the mental distraction :/ if u r still reading my blog...

Almost Back

I lost my track along the way, sometimes we forget who we are. I think that what happened or still happening, it was or it's just a phase but I'm finally trying to fight it. I'm taking a stand and trying to fix what was broken. This fall was not my 1^st and will never be my last. However, what's different this time. I'm starting to fix things from the inside out because if the core of an apple is rotten, no matter how red and beautiful it looks from the outside, the taste will always be disgusting.

The inside out approach involves,

1.       Take a good look at yourself and define your, weakness, flaws, strengths, and goodness.

2.        Forgive yourself, and those who did you wrong, it's hard task but it will set you free.

3.       Fix yourself, mind, body and soul before you try fixing things around you.

4.       By finishing the 1^st three steps you should have reached your nirvana and only when you do try to fix things around.

5.       If things don’t get fixed, leave them to time, for time is able to fix everything that went wrong.

Small steps can do wonder to your soul. Take it from the girl who almost lost it, she's still here for a reason. Unfinished business, we all have that in common. Some are here to help others, others are here to help the world, and only few are here to complete the number. You can choose to be from which category you want.

In the end,

Count your blessings and your problems….If your problems outnumber your blessings, Count Again….

Chances are the things that you take for granted were not added up…

Ignoscentia 00100

He spoke words of passion, judging what I have done. He Forgot it was all just a reaction ! I reacted normally like any hurt and wounded animal. Screamed, fought and finally gave up. Retreated back to my shell, licked my wound and tried to fix what he has done. Kept my distance and portentous of who he really is on  the inside. I realized, he is a two faced man and I was just too clear for his deception and too frank for his lies. He changed his mind and reached back to me. I revealed my teeth and offended he has become, for I did not pick up his bait this time. It was only natural instinct to be scared of the person who have hurt you. Not only once but more than you can count.


Sadly he is too delusional to understand what I have wrote or implied. Guess, I'm just too smart for him after all...

Reality

     

     I always thought that reality is a relative state of mind. We chose to perceive one thing as truth and another as fiction. But, I was wrong.

     It is reality that chooses us and shapes us to be who we are. Therefore, It makes your destiny to become a doctor, a pilot, an engineer, a philosopher or even a simple commoner. We are born in certain realities that shape our personalities into being a well defined entity or just another sheep in the herd. To think that we own our destiny was a mere presumption that led to the destruction of self comprehension. I though I knew what's real and what's not. But now, I came to the sad realization that I knew nothing of this so called reality!

     My evidence and the cornerstone of my argument was that pain is reality. And by sensing pain we perceive the true meaning of reality. But, I forgot that pain exist even in dreams as well as reality and may have been more real in our dreams than it is in reality. To make a valid point, one must submit his evidence that reality define us and we don't define it. So, if we considered reality a separate entity from us.

"    Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one." ― Albert Einstein

     We were born in this world to be one thing or another. We were given the necessary tools and left to chose. And that would make you think you own your destiny! But assume that those tools were not provided, how much chance you really have to succeed ?!

     I have lost hope in "free will", cause now I'm sure that there's a much superior existence that plays us like toys! Just as Shakespeare said, "All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players: They have their exits and entrances."

My Curse

     I believe I was cursed when Allah created me a woman in Saudi Arabia. I believe he cursed me with an endless ambition to excel and individualize in a country like ours. In my county it's nice for me to be a doctor. However, the more important job and the real reason for my existence, is to be an obedient wife and a machine for reproduction.

Traditional vision,

     I don't want to be someone's wife, or someone's mother. I don't want to be the "nice" and "polite" girl. I want to scream, fight and curse. I don't want to get married nor have beautiful kids. Unlike most, I have never played with dolls nor imagined my fairytale wedding! I can't stand the idea of a large back yard with a white fence. Oh yes, I am mad! I'm mad because this "traditional" life is not what I want. I am furious because this place and life is not where and how I see myself living for the rest of my life. It is my curse to seek everlasting glory. 

My vision, 

     You might say I exhibit the classical symptoms of "feminism". And I will not deny that! I see myself traveling this earth trying to find my calling. This journey will take me across lands and seas. I'll pass places where modern medicine hasn't reached yet. I'll be treating the illness of those who come my way. I'll be where I'm needed and could make a different. I'll sleep under the stars, completely depending on my own. "The minute I leave this county, I will never come back." This was always in the back of my mind. These dreams among other dreams torment me every night and my biggest fear is to end up living the traditional life...

Doubts,

     Many have told me, "You will grow out of it." But if that is true, shouldn't I have started giving up these ideas?! Why do I feel the same way about it, if not even worse?! I have told my parents that I won't be happy. Yet, and for whatever reason, they still think I'll end up giving up those dreams. 

The planning and fears,

     For now, I'm planning to join MSF as soon as I can. I think the idea of volunteering there is the closest I can get to my dream. For me, it's only a matter of time. And time will prove me victorious. Yet, if I ended up achieving my dreams, will I be happy or lonely? Will I start to feel that I was unrealistic and end up giving up? These questions cannot be answered only by time...