Vanity

Vanity was always my favorite sin. Of all the sins, this is the one I can't get rid of. It's not as if it's my fault, I'm only driven by my ambition and my ambition is probably bigger than me. To fulfill this ambition I have to scarify a lot and that what makes my vanity grow even bigger. The feeling that nothing in this world is worth loosing my ambition for, makes me feel powerful and independent. This all feed my vanity and sense of self fulfillment.

This vanity became my friend and I loved my powerful soul. This soul that does not need anyone, does not lust for anyone and most certainly alone. I realized the bigger your ambition is the more likely you will end up alone. This is because, with achievement comes the feeling of independence and therefore you start thinking you don't need anyone in your life or having a person in your life will slow you down. You start isolating yourself and with this isolation your head become more and more clear. Now, you met someone you like and give up that person because you are afraid you might lose your focus.

Time pass, you have achieved your full potentials. You have everything you dreamed about and more. Now what ?! you career is perfect, everyone envy you but they don't know you go to sleep alone, and they don't know you are dreaming about that guy/ girl you have left when you were young because time was not suitable with your ambitions. The question is if you were happy then why aren't you happy now?!

Your vanity takes over and you start trying to convince yourself, I have done everything I wanted and more. However, there is always a tiny voice in your head wonders, what if ?!

What if I didn't let that person go?! What if I told that person how much I loved him/ her?! What if I toke that trip?! What if I became something else?! What if I chose an easier major?! What if I wasn't me?!

Lots of questions will come up to your mind, when you stop being blinded by your ambition. Then, you will wonder what if?!

You Do Not Understand Me

It's the words you say without knowing what hurt me the most. It's the things you don't mean what torment me. I don't blame you for them and I'm not mad. You don't understand me that's all I want you to know.

"I'm disappointed" he said...

To you, it's just an expression of what you are feeling because I'm a woman who gets jealous for the guy she likes. You don't get me because by saying that you insulted my femininity, and you have insulted the feelings I carry for you. Your disappointment burned me because I want you to look at me with the same admiration I carry for you. I don't want to be less than perfect for you.

"Very low of you" he said...

He thinks I should be fine with him ignore me for no clear reason. He thinks I shouldn't go crazy and he thinks I shouldn't say "I love you". I have to admit, I am ashamed of the last one. It was too soon but I couldn't help it because this is how I felt. He doesn't know I did not want to go out with him because I know how deeply I cared for him and because I knew that falling for him is unavoidable. I know I'm not in my strongest days and maybe I'm confused but that's what I truly believe I felt.

Things he does not understand...

I'm not strong and I'm not brave. I lack confidence and I say what I don't mean. I make mistakes all the time but I know when to apologize. When I make fun of you it's just my way of saying you make me nervous. I look like someone who has it all together but I'm as messed up as woman can be. Beside all the contradiction in me, I'm the most honest person you can find when it comes to the way I feel about you. I don't need your time, money, or anything a girl would usually ask a guy. I only want your heart and that would be more than enough for me.

I'm not brave and I'm not strong, please M.R. don't mistake me for one.

RumRum Evolution

I have witnessed lot's of changes in my friend and sister Maram AKA RumRum. She have evolved from the loner, self containing and one tracked minded medical student to a more life filed and fun friend we know today. It's no secret that I didn't like Maram in 1st, 2nd, and 3rd year but that's only cause I didn't know who she really was...

Maram hide her true color from the people around her, cause no one can understand the true color of innocence in this day and age. She is hard on herself wither she's right or wrong. Still unrealistically idealistic, looking at the world from through her innocent eyes. Trying to understand the irrationality in this world. No matter how hard she can be on herself still reality hunt and torment her, for she can not accept the human in her. She can not accept the true nature of this world. She still refuses to be a part of this unfair equation. All that just add to the beauty of her soul...

I guess what I'm really proud of and think RumRum was able to improve a lot in was, she can show more compassion and understanding to others. Although, she's still hard on herself, she's finally able to accept the flaws in others and she's trying to understand it. Which is not easy to do when you see the world through her idealistic prospective.

When it comes to love, she have matured beyond what I thought she will reach. I'm even learning from her young experience. Though I don't show that, but I have learned some valuable lessons from her. She taught me how important it is to shield your heart and that no one is worth it. She taught me that my heart is made out fine silk and I shouldn't leave it to anyone to play with. I know I'm a lousy student and it will take me a long time to really get it but I appreciate every advice she gives me. 

Finally, I know that no matter how far apart the future will take us, I will always be there for her and she will be there for me...

Biggest Mistake (I Love You)

Biggest mistake of my life, I don't have just one, I have a list -___-" ! Though, my mistake are uncountable, I'm only ashamed of few, and those few will torment me to the rest of my life.

My mistakes range from extremely embarrassing to totally illegal but I can't forgive myself for the ones involving my heart. I can't forgive myself for me putting my heart out there. I can't forgive myself for letting my heart vulnerable to getting heart by anyone. I can't forgive myself for saying I LOVE YOU !

I have always been preserving in saying it and toke my time before spelling it. However, sometime I'm overwhelmed by emotions and lose my senses. Then, I find myself regretting it, either because that person is not worth it or because it's not mutual. I don't know if I had poor judgment or I just don't like listening to the sound of reason in me. In both cases it always my fault, I fell for the wrong man and now I'm lost.

Sometime I think, I might hate myself secretly that's why I'm always setting myself up to get hurt. I start giving excuses to myself but the truth is, it's just another poor judgment I made. Though, my feelings might be real but my timing was wrong.

Another reason was,I put so much trust and hope in people I barely know and that's just a recipe for pain and betrayal. Then, I ask myself the stupid question of why is this happening to me?! -__- Stupid !

Maybe, I'm not as evil as I thought. Maybe, my heart is too pure and incontinent that's why it's too hard for me to understand people and too easy for me to fall for them.

In the end, I always own my mistake and try to change. Though, I usually fail but still get up and move on.

Kony 2012

I first learned about child soldiers around 10 years ago in an online article. After that was the ABC documentary named child soldiers, then the invisible children documentary. I followed the progression of this phenomena in central Africa, and mainly Uganda and Kenya. The story touched me deeply but there wasn't really anything we can do about, nor did I hear of anything local, i.e. in KSA, so I can participate in.

Then came this documentary which puts a face to who is behind all this, Joseph Kony. Kony is head of the Lord's Resistance Army. You can read about him in the link Joseph Kony  . This  monster was the reason behind child soldiers, he abduct kids and recruit them as soldiers and in order to break them he make them kill there parents. He uses the girls as sex slave, and anyone who tries to run away is tortured and killed. Kony makes those kids commit the most heinous crimes, and rip them of their childhood. A child after that will never be able to function in any normal society.

What I would love you all to do is watch this documentary and if you can help, do so. If you can't then just spread it, maybe the word will reach someone who can...

Don't Misunderstand His Kindness

I admit to being guilty of over-thinking and over- analyzing. I over read the details in others actions and it's probably a sign of my own vanity. I want to see something, so I read the words and actions according to what I want them to be. I misunderstand the kindness then wonder why?!!

To be honest, I'm not used to such kindness  nor I know how to be that kind. I over-analyzed the kindness and now I wonder why?! I wonder why he's not into me :/ It was all just part of his personality and I didn't understand that ?!

I guess this world is full of kind individuals and I misunderstood his kindness. The problem is, I don't want to repeat my mistake and fall for a friend again ! Yet I find myself running endlessly in a closed circle. Hoping to find a way out...

Then there is the problem of me being broken beyond fixing ! I'm not ashamed of that, just a little embarrassed to admit it, and I hope it's not just me trying to replace what's missing. I know, I should face such a possibility that it might be nothing more than me trying to replace what's missing. So, I misunderstood the kindness for more than what it is...

There is a pattern here , I jump from one failed relationship to another and then wonder why it failed ?! Never really gave myself the time to heal, and then wonder why it ended the way it did...

To be honest, I'm starting to think maybe I misunderstood his kindness for more because I'm broken.

I hate to grow up but I have to grow up.

Now moving to him, he's charming and witty and it's hard not to fall for that baby face and deviant smile. For heaven's sake, he got 8/10 of my check list for a perfect man. However, I know that the timing is wrong for him and me to be more. There is a lot to say about him, but it's not the time or place to praise a man I do not own.

Now back to me, yes vanity is my sin, I know I need to stop falling for right man who doesn't feel the same way, for the wrong man in the right time, and for the wrong man in the wrong time. I have to take a break, a break from the world and myself, to redefine myself and correct what's wrong with me.

It's time for a new beginning, yes you can have lot's of new beginning as long as you want one...

The Grand Illusion

Can you pick up the odd in this picture?!

You can deny being fooled once or twice but you can't deny being blinded by the obvious. You can't deny the fact that we lose the bigger picture, the higher meaning, and the reason behind this whole life.

You lose yourself in the peruse of money, fame and happiness. You lose your health for the sake of that big promotion. You lose precious time with your family to work double shit for the sake of more money. You lose yourself for the sake of someone else. In the end, we all forgot the bigger picture.

You wanted fame to make your family happy! But now everyone think you are a self absorbed and self centered asshole. You wanted that big promotion, and work that double shift to get the money for whom ?! For your family?! The one that does not get to see you ?! They don't want the bigger house, the fancy car, the trip to France without you! You forget who you are and became the person you thought he/she wants, then what ?! You he/she is happy ?! How come when the person he/she loves is no longer there . Then you wonder why he/she left me?!

Isn't it obvious ?! It's because you lost the reason behind all this !

Now, You will sit in the dark corner of your room and think, how did I get here ?! have I done everything right ?! Why am I still unhappy...

Milo

Kinematics was my habit. So, I have always chosen the last chair in the class. Sitting in back watching how people interact. The 1st day people meet pretty much decide how their relation go,or wither they will be friends or not. I tend to give nicknames to the people I'm watch, sometimes it's nice, but most of the time it's mean ones. There was Mr.Hairy Face, Mr.Traditional, Mr.KnowItAll, Mr.LookAtMeI'mHot, and Mr. BabyFace.

Arctophilic I am, so Mr.BabyFace caught my eye. He was one of those smart, nice and act too polite for my taste guy :P. That summer course ended, with it most of the friendships I made. Then, my facebook showed a friendship request :O and it was Mr.BabyFace. Honestly, I thought he is mistaking me for someone else ! As the conversation between us progressed, I learned he added everyone from that course we took. We kept in touch for a while...

Pantosophic he was, amazed his knowledge I became. He was a philosopher, completely different for anything and anyone I know. His words can left your spirit up even if you were in the deepest whole. Painfully positive and has just the right amount of honesty. Dreamy on a solid ground reasonability. Every conversation with him is a journey to the unknown.

Lapideous my heart became, but he soften it. Gave me hope and sweet dreams. Dear friend in a very short time. Made me regret not knowing him up close. If time will take me back I would do things differently.

Adventure his mind, hidden behind the sharp looks and deviant smile. Hidden messages every where and I'm loving it . Lots I don't know about him but I know it's going to be a memorable journey.

Now, I'm done played the game and left it for you to figure it out Milo R.

Getting Over the Soulmate

I told you I love you once, twice, and many times after but did I tell I hate?! Did I tell you the sight of you nauseate me ?! Did I tell you the smell of you irritates me ?! Did I tell you, I hate your voice and I hate my name when you call for me?! Did I you, loving you was a mistake, I'll pay it's price for the rest of my life?!

I hate you as much as I loved you. I hate you as much as the tears I shed for you and myself. I hate you from the beginning till the end. I hate all my memories of you. I hate the ground you walk on. I hate the air you breath. I hate everything I loved about you.

Did I tell you how much I hate you ?!

I want to peel my skin off, because I can still feel your touch. I want to shave my head, because I can still feel your fingers in between my hair. I want to burn my lips until nothing left, because I can still feel your kiss. If I can take my heart out too, I would, because you touched it like no one before you ever did.

I went back to read every word I wrote about you, and I wish I could take it all back. Take away the good and the bad, I need nothing of those memories.

I started to pretend, I'm over you. Fooled everyone around me but not as much as I fooled myself. Up until I saw you walking down the hallway, then my heart started to race. With each step you toke toward me, I could feel my heart beat harder and harder. Then you pass by me as if I was a stranger. Now, I start to forget the good part of you. My heart beats start to slow, until I feel it turn to stone. All the good things we shared wasn't worth fighting for, at lest not to you. As you walk away with each step you take, I can feel the love for you fades away. I can feel my heart die again...

I refuse to shed a tear for you. I refuse to shed a tear for me, for I'm too strong, and too brave to be broken by you. I'm worth the smile and you are definitely, not worth the pain.

Now, I'm free, no hatred left for me to feel. No pain and no sorrow left, only the memories and some lessons for the future...

At the Worse Moment in Your Life

There are moments in life where you feel hopeless and helpless. Though, try to get out , think of a solution or even ask for help you find yourself alone and defeated. Your spirt is almost broken and your life is slipping away. 
Then I realized the only way to win is to survive and embrace every second of unhappiness. Live life to the fullest, this was my revelation and my road to eternal salvation. 

Good or bad  it's all worth living. A wasted time,  is the second you live without learning and evolving into a better self and a new existence.   

If you reached your dreams, you won nothing cause you just got what you deserve, there is no lesson learned in it. You worked hard so you got what you worked for. The true meaning of life comes from loosing, lostness, and defeat. From them comes the true meaning of life cause life is not fair its mean, cruel and vindictive.   

Knowing and believing in that, it should  leave you at peace with yourself. Knowing that you are powerless when it comes to heart matters make forgiving yourself easier. Knowing that the fault comes from being human, not from being you, makes it easier to accept your flaws. For they come from your nature not your wrong judgement. 

At the end we own our actions but not always own the motive behind them. 

So remember, forgiveness comes from within.