Ignoscentia 00100

He spoke words of passion, judging what I have done. He Forgot it was all just a reaction ! I reacted normally like any hurt and wounded animal. Screamed, fought and finally gave up. Retreated back to my shell, licked my wound and tried to fix what he has done. Kept my distance and portentous of who he really is on  the inside. I realized, he is a two faced man and I was just too clear for his deception and too frank for his lies. He changed his mind and reached back to me. I revealed my teeth and offended he has become, for I did not pick up his bait this time. It was only natural instinct to be scared of the person who have hurt you. Not only once but more than you can count.


Sadly he is too delusional to understand what I have wrote or implied. Guess, I'm just too smart for him after all...

Reality

     

     I always thought that reality is a relative state of mind. We chose to perceive one thing as truth and another as fiction. But, I was wrong.

     It is reality that chooses us and shapes us to be who we are. Therefore, It makes your destiny to become a doctor, a pilot, an engineer, a philosopher or even a simple commoner. We are born in certain realities that shape our personalities into being a well defined entity or just another sheep in the herd. To think that we own our destiny was a mere presumption that led to the destruction of self comprehension. I though I knew what's real and what's not. But now, I came to the sad realization that I knew nothing of this so called reality!

     My evidence and the cornerstone of my argument was that pain is reality. And by sensing pain we perceive the true meaning of reality. But, I forgot that pain exist even in dreams as well as reality and may have been more real in our dreams than it is in reality. To make a valid point, one must submit his evidence that reality define us and we don't define it. So, if we considered reality a separate entity from us.

"    Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one." ― Albert Einstein

     We were born in this world to be one thing or another. We were given the necessary tools and left to chose. And that would make you think you own your destiny! But assume that those tools were not provided, how much chance you really have to succeed ?!

     I have lost hope in "free will", cause now I'm sure that there's a much superior existence that plays us like toys! Just as Shakespeare said, "All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players: They have their exits and entrances."

My Curse

     I believe I was cursed when Allah created me a woman in Saudi Arabia. I believe he cursed me with an endless ambition to excel and individualize in a country like ours. In my county it's nice for me to be a doctor. However, the more important job and the real reason for my existence, is to be an obedient wife and a machine for reproduction.

Traditional vision,

     I don't want to be someone's wife, or someone's mother. I don't want to be the "nice" and "polite" girl. I want to scream, fight and curse. I don't want to get married nor have beautiful kids. Unlike most, I have never played with dolls nor imagined my fairytale wedding! I can't stand the idea of a large back yard with a white fence. Oh yes, I am mad! I'm mad because this "traditional" life is not what I want. I am furious because this place and life is not where and how I see myself living for the rest of my life. It is my curse to seek everlasting glory. 

My vision, 

     You might say I exhibit the classical symptoms of "feminism". And I will not deny that! I see myself traveling this earth trying to find my calling. This journey will take me across lands and seas. I'll pass places where modern medicine hasn't reached yet. I'll be treating the illness of those who come my way. I'll be where I'm needed and could make a different. I'll sleep under the stars, completely depending on my own. "The minute I leave this county, I will never come back." This was always in the back of my mind. These dreams among other dreams torment me every night and my biggest fear is to end up living the traditional life...

Doubts,

     Many have told me, "You will grow out of it." But if that is true, shouldn't I have started giving up these ideas?! Why do I feel the same way about it, if not even worse?! I have told my parents that I won't be happy. Yet, and for whatever reason, they still think I'll end up giving up those dreams. 

The planning and fears,

     For now, I'm planning to join MSF as soon as I can. I think the idea of volunteering there is the closest I can get to my dream. For me, it's only a matter of time. And time will prove me victorious. Yet, if I ended up achieving my dreams, will I be happy or lonely? Will I start to feel that I was unrealistic and end up giving up? These questions cannot be answered only by time...

A Spark of Hope

On his bed he was lying, staring at the ceiling, all day and all night. Restlessly he watches it, as if he's waiting for a door to open or an angel to fall into his arms.

Day after day and night after night, light turned into darkness and darkness engulfs him every night. The ceiling he used to watch suddenly melted and a door to his eternal darkness was opened. Opened up for him to see all of his sins and mistakes, for him to see his true self, and shame takes over his him. Yet, he keeps on looking for something he does not know nor he wants. Maybe he's looking for a spark of hope, so in his sinful soul he stares. Hoping to find what could save him. Though he know, hope is a dangerous tool that can destroy him.

He is drowning into his soul, he knew there is no way back, and he knew he's totally and completely lost. After he lost hope in himself, he hopes for someone to reach out for him. He waits and waits in the sea of emptiness, he lived for days and months which felt like ages of endless loneliness...


Then the darkness of his soul gives birth to light and from it a kind hand reached out to him. Revived the desert of his heart and the empty darkness he was in, turned into a heaven. A heaven he never imagined it will grow in his heart.

Could it be ?!

P.S. thanks to Altoum

Maria

Maria is one of god best creations. Oh, Maria Maria with her big mesmerizing brown eyes and her blood colored lips incomparable to anything I have ever seen before. Lips as red as the hot Spanish blood that runs in her vessels and fill up her big heart inside of a chest covered with young breasts like you have never seen before. Her perfection was breath taking and couldn't be complete without those gracious leg. With perfect curves she was a goddess on the dance floor.

Lucky me she walked in my bar and I was singing" Maria Maria ..." . She danced to my tones and I'm singing " Maria Maria shes living a life like a movie star...". All eyes on Maria's moves. No one would dare to dance in her presence but she looked lonely. He was in the back watching her dance negotiating his courage, can I go and steal her heart?! He finally finds enough strength to walk up and dance with her. While I'm singing " Maria Maria she fell in love..." He is whispering the lyrics in her ears. 

She glows like an angel ! In his arms she was happy and my eyes started to tear up while I'm singing "Maria Maria just like a west side story..." I know that happiness won't last so I tear up and sing. In front of my eyes they devolve into each other and one they became. Into the smoke they disappear and I sing. Maria, Maria disappeared.

Black Coffee

Day 1 

Ms. How do you like your coffee?!

I want it black as my hair and stings harder than my words.

Day 13

Ms. How would you like your coffee?!

I would like it darker than the color of my eyes and larger than my heart.

Day 01

Ms. How do you like your coffee?!

I want it darker than my nights after he left me and more bitter than my tears. 

Day 14

Ms. How would like your coffee?!

I want it darker than my soul with a smell more stronger than my perfume.

Day 25 

Ms. How do you like your coffee?! 

I want it strong enough to raise the dead form their graves and more twisted than me if that even possible... 

While the magic comes from words, the mystery of the ages lies within the numbers.

My Life as a Medical Student

As my collage years came to an end, an overwhelming feeling of fear mixed with joy and proud take over my soul. Though I know, that my journey just began I can't help but feel that I have finished enough to make me die happy tomorrow. I still remember that girl who walked through the girls collage and thought that she owns the sun in one hand and the moon in the other hand. I was a god devoid of emotion, a machine hunger for success, I was simply ....

I thought I'll cure cancer, I thought I own my destiny, I thought I'm the reason for it all to be and the true queen of medicine which I knew nothing of at that time ! I won't say I own medicine now but what I know about this profession surpass the books and science. I learned that medicine is an art, manners and attitude before you learn the science you should own the attitude, manners and be talented in this fine art...

I learned in my 6 years of struggle that life is about more than the books and mathematical equation. When I look back I can't believe that I wanted my life to go by certain rules and expected the rustles to match my calculations. I thought, life is all about being logical and reasonable but didn't expect life to be so illogical and unreasonable. I realized that I was trying to make sense of no sense. I was simply inexperienced and naive. I was still a child who needs to grow up ! And I did grow up during my 6 years.

6 years I have faced in it all what you can face in a life time. I faced failure, heartbreaks, sickness and betrayals. It was a memorable time from which I learned a lot ! Nowadays, just the idea that life still hides a lot for me, scares me, to think I still have to endure more of this shit makes my knees crumble in fear and my only consolation is that I'm proud of who I am today and if what's coming is going to change me to a better person then I don't mind the heartache, betrayal and sickness...

Jaz

Jaz was one of the 1st people I met in med school. From the 1st minute, I was drawn to her unique, artistic personality, her confidence and her cool curly hair. Jaz and I worked perfectly together in med school, she was a perfectionist and I knew how to turn that perfectionism into perfect product pleased both of us.

However, when it came to life matters Jaz and I had different opinions. She was simply human and I couldn't understand that. I wanted that intellectually stimulating creature to be realistic,  devoid of emotions, I wanted her to be like me. That cruel part of me was hard for her to understand, hard for to live with and for that we have fallen apart.

Time past and we remand civilized to each other. I have taken a step back away from her for a while and I wish I didn't. Now when I look back, I regret that because I wasted precious time we could have had spend it together. I missed the intellectual conversations that's we used to have. I realized that I won't find someone who stimulate me like her. I grow to appreciate her sensitivity and humanity. Probably, some of it have rub on me and I became more respectful of her.  She's an artist and in need of someone who understand that side of her. A gentle soul craving affection. Her beauty lies within her complexity. Once you decipher those codes you will realize, she is a sane girl in a crazy word.

The thing about Jaz that I admire the most, is her strength. Fighting cancer, overcoming her parents drama, she's just simply amazing ! She's been my inspiration for the past 5 years. God bless her, if it wasn't for her I won't be the person I am today. Though, I don't show my appreciation always, I'm hoping she realize it in the tone of my voice. The time we had will be forever lasting in the little pink room I keep for her and just for her in my castle.

Last but not lest, like a smooth Jazz song Jaz will one day excel and become an unstoppable force in this world, mark my words...

The Castle in My Head

I started building up my castle when I was 6. Each year I add a room, give it new colors, and change the decor. My castle was small, similar to the one any child would draw. It was white with green bricks on the top. It used to have a beautiful garden in the back and a big fountain with crystal clear water running in it in front of the castle. It was a beautiful catoonish castle.


I used to run to my castle when things get tough, I used it as my study area and the place where I keep all my secrets. I had a library there where I keep all the books I read and all the things I learned. I go there and pick up the book I need then move to my thinking room.  My thinking room was all made out of mirrors with a big chair in the middle, I sit in it for days to solve whatever problem I'm facing and sometimes I just use it to be alone with myself. 

The place was beautiful up until I became 8 years old, for a reason I prefer to keep unknown, I changed. My castle changed and with it my whole life have changed. The castle no longer white, it's colored black and the bricks became red. The fountain has red colored liquid running in it and the garden in the back is dead. I didn't care for these changes because I spend most of my time inside now. 


The castle did not change much from inside it just become a little dark and added some rooms in it. I have my hiding room now, a little dark room where I run away from my demons. A dreaming room, where I go when I'm sleepless. All which seems just away of me trying to accommodate with the new reality I live in. My library got bigger and it getting bigger and bigger each year. Now, it's the biggest room in my castle. I keep my books in alphabetical order and subjectively divided. It's probably the most organized part of my brain. 

I still run back to my castle when things in my life become too complicated or simply if I want to study for a hard test. However, lately it's been hard. My castle seemed to be upside down and I can barely find my way inside it. I don't know if this a reflection of what's going inside my head but I know I need to fix it...

Vanity

Vanity was always my favorite sin. Of all the sins, this is the one I can't get rid of. It's not as if it's my fault, I'm only driven by my ambition and my ambition is probably bigger than me. To fulfill this ambition I have to scarify a lot and that what makes my vanity grow even bigger. The feeling that nothing in this world is worth loosing my ambition for, makes me feel powerful and independent. This all feed my vanity and sense of self fulfillment.

This vanity became my friend and I loved my powerful soul. This soul that does not need anyone, does not lust for anyone and most certainly alone. I realized the bigger your ambition is the more likely you will end up alone. This is because, with achievement comes the feeling of independence and therefore you start thinking you don't need anyone in your life or having a person in your life will slow you down. You start isolating yourself and with this isolation your head become more and more clear. Now, you met someone you like and give up that person because you are afraid you might lose your focus.

Time pass, you have achieved your full potentials. You have everything you dreamed about and more. Now what ?! you career is perfect, everyone envy you but they don't know you go to sleep alone, and they don't know you are dreaming about that guy/ girl you have left when you were young because time was not suitable with your ambitions. The question is if you were happy then why aren't you happy now?!

Your vanity takes over and you start trying to convince yourself, I have done everything I wanted and more. However, there is always a tiny voice in your head wonders, what if ?!

What if I didn't let that person go?! What if I told that person how much I loved him/ her?! What if I toke that trip?! What if I became something else?! What if I chose an easier major?! What if I wasn't me?!

Lots of questions will come up to your mind, when you stop being blinded by your ambition. Then, you will wonder what if?!