Forever a Medusa

I learned about Medusa when I was around 9 or 10. Since then, I stated having dreams about her. About a half women, half snake, with snakes for hair. It was never scary, she never said anything, never moved and never turned away from me. Just sites there looking at me with sad eyes, eyes full of tears but never drooped a tear. They always talk about how she turns men who look at her into stone but I can swear I never dreamed of anything as beautiful as Medusa's eyes. I almost felt sorry for her, that such eyes can be associated with such myth. Oh, my heart just brakes for her, as I see her lonely, sad, and hated even by herself.

It's a Myth...
There is two myths regarding Medusa's curse; one says that she laid down with Poseidon in Athena's temple to anger her as Athena and Poseidon were enemies, and one says that Poseidon raped her in Athena's temple when she went there to ask for her help. However, both agree that Athena punished her by turning her and her sisters into monsters. Ugly monster, so no man would want her and turns any man who looks at her into stone, so she can never pursue men.

In both stories, I'm disappointed, that Athena the goddess of wisdom would do such a thing. why didn't she punish Poseidon too?! Why didn't Poseidon help her?!. In Greek mythology, men were created in the likeness of gods and women were created in the likeness of goddesses. So, it's no wonder that men will act selfishly as Poseidon did. He knew that he's no match to Athena the powerful goddess who even Zeus tried to stop her birth, and in a moment of cowardliness and godlessness he gave up on Medusa and left her to face Athena alone.

Searching for my Medusa...
Since I can't draw like my daddy, I tried to look for a picture of Medusa similar to the one in my dream. I was trying to find the same feelings I felt in my dreams. I didn't find anything that looks like it but I noticed something in all of the pictures her face either show anger, fear, or sadness and even in the most seductive portraits there is a glimpse of sadness in her eyes. Oh Medusa, what sins have you commuted to diverse such an end.

What she stand for...
They say that Medusa was turn to a monster after her sin, so that, her tainted sinful soul will match her out side. She was made an example for those girls who will live their life freely loving and be loved, that their end will be like Medusa shamed for life and shame will fallow their families as the cursed has caught Medusa's sisters too. It was a warning for every women that even if she was a helpless victim in front of a ruthless god like Poseidon, she is to be blamed for letting herself to be victimized.

To me Medusa represent a "Woman Anger" at a society that forgives a man sin but never a woman sin. At men who play with women love so leniently as if it was cheap and easy to find. At men who will run after them to the end of the world and leave them as soon as they get what they want. Anger, for being used and punished their bodies.

I don't believe, that she can't look at her reflection be cause she will turn into stone because a snake never poisoned by her venom. I think she can't stand look at her reflection because she was naive to think she can find love, or find someone who deserve her. I believe, she can't stand looking at herself because she knew that the world and the gods had abandoned her.

If She Would Talk...
I always wonder, if the Medusa in my dream would talk, what would she say to me?! would she say that in every woman there is a Medusa waiting for her heart to be broken so she can come out!! or would it be a stupid advise about the nonexistence of true love, yes it's stupid because we all know that. Maybe our Medusa told us but we keep forgetting it...

Finally,,,
In a society like ours, the word love equal sin, the word lovers equal sinners. There is no place for love and no safe haven for lovers. No real lovers, only hungry beasts and filthy whores. So, to you innocent love seeking, hungry for passion individual, look for love but not here. I can't guaranty that you will find it but I sure know that you will never find it here..

"Forever a Medusa, and Medusa will be me"

Why Do I Prefer Funerals Over Weddings ?

Recently, I have gone to a funeral of friend and to a wedding of a friend and as I sit in the dark corner of my room looking at my reflection in the mirror , my heir looks great BTW XD, I started thinking what 's the similarity between wedding and funerals??! I know what you all thinking there isn't any similarity. Well , me being sooo twisted I found some :D.

First, both gather people for the end of something
weddings >>> end of freedom
funerals>>> end of life

Second, in both you expect to see someone crying
wedding>>> mother of the bride or groom
funerals>>> family of the deceased and sometimes people with absolute no relation to the deceased!!! :S

Third, in both you expect to see someone in white
wedding>>> the bride
funerals>>> the deceased

Fourth, in both you expect to find food to eat

Fifth, both got loud speaker
wedding>>> music
funerals>>> Quran

Sixth, both end the same>>> people leave the place in a total mess

Seventh, both get women gossiping about someone or something, the day after

but I think there is one different that I like about funerals >>> is that I don't have to wear make up :P
if u think i missed any similarity pleas add them in the comments
P.S. it's kinda lame post, i know

Aren't We All Muslims ?!

I was clicking on the remote with a grate deal of boredom when I passed by a channel that caught my ears more than my eyes. It was a heated argument between to men in terrapins and the host was trying to get them cool down so they will speak in a clear voice but enraged enough to keep the argument exciting. What really bothered me is when I started to understand that this charade is supposed to be a debate :S ?!

To tell the truth, I liked the idea of the show. It was supposed to be new presentation to a subject need to be raised more and more but it was a sensitive matter that needed to be discussed with great care. This show I'm talking about was aired on respectful, it was a confrontation between two religious sects. I honestly thought that an idea like that would clear a lot of miss constipation between the two parties and help to look at similarities more than differences. However, the show was nothing like that.

Anyone with a normal IQ will notice from the first 10 minutes what the show was really about. It was a modern representation of gladiators fight. I felt as if I was sitting in the Colosseum back to the 1st century BCE. I was not really sure who was the barbaric here?!. Was it those two men or the people who are watching it ?! Yes I think anyone who will wast his/her time watching a so called debate is barbaric, cause the truth is you are enjoying the fight not intellectual the debate, if we can call it such a thing.

Also, what really bugs me is, I went back to watch the show hopping that they may have notice their mistake and little have I know :S. Apparently, every time they try to find even more barbaric people to discuses the same the topic making the same baseless arguments over and over. I know that all they care about is money and action sells. However, where is their morals?! there must be at lest one person who would say no, this is should not how religion should be discussed. What about those who watch it?! aren't they offended by the quality of shows this respectful channel thinks they would like?!

The show was first aired in Ramadan. Then, they aired it all year and I'm sure this year they will have something more absurd. So, I'm asking you all, pleas don't watch it and if you like it tell me why?

Herd Mentality

I still remember that day when I stood in class and faced the monster, challenging her and defying the herd mentality she was shoving down our throat. I argued " I have brain which god gave me as gift, so I can be different from other creatures. How dare you ask me to shut it down". She respond with a sharp tone " this is what we learned from those who have better brains than yours, and even if you don't understand it, you have to follow it, cause this what a good girl would do". So, what if I don't want to follow the rules?! what if I want to be different ?! does it mean I just want attention?
This argument came up when "our beloved teacher" was trying to explain what secularism mean. She define it as separation of religion from life, well believe it or not it's not what it mean but she was taken by the herd mentality and believed what she heard from someone else, terminated her brain and did not try to look for the truth. She was unwilling to hear what I'm about to say even before I said it, cause she knew it's not what she learned.
I told her " secularism is defined as separation of church and state and since church represents religion and state represents politics. Therefore, it's separation of politics and religion". Her eyes were wide open stunned by my boldness and first thing she asked " who told you that? who have been feeding you such thoughts?". I responded as if she just insulted me" you can find it in any dictionary. I did not make it up or someone feed it to me. I used my brain unlike what you did". So of course, I was kicked out of class send to the principle office.
The principle was an understanding lady, who sheared with me a lot of my opinions. She told me to tune it down and try to play a long so I can live in peace. The truth is, I never wanted to live in peace. In fact, I love the rush I get from debating mindless idiots who believe anyone with a beard.
Why can't I have my own thoughts about life and politics?!. Why do I have to follow those who call them self the leaders of Muslim nations?!. When will we stop listening to one side?! why can't we look at it from different angles?! Why do they hide it from us if they were right?! yep, I'm talking about censorship. If they were right why do they censor the liberal forums and websites.
BTW, censorship is one big violation of human rights and we don't talk about it enough. I will give it a separate post,
What I want you to answer is...
Have you ever been in a similar confrontation and what was it about?
Do you accept every information you receive easily or do you find yourself in constant questioning?

Second Class Citizen

This is for all of you who asked for the old Amany to show up......
I appreciate every thing this generous country gave me but I also believe it's all if not even less than what I deserve as citizen in this country. So, don't tell me we live in haven at lest if you were a woman you should not say that because this country think of you as less than a citizen. why would I say such a thing?? I will tell you why......

When I live in a country where the government thinks I can't take care of myself and I need a man to be responsible for my action. I feel like a second class citizen......
When I live in country that won't allow me to finish my affairs in the governmental departments without a man to represent me. I feel like a second class citizen......
When I live in a country where my legal guardians have the authority to prevent me from obtaining an identity card. I feel like a second class citizen......
When I live in country that won't allow me to be an ambassadors for my country just cause I'm a woman. I feel like a second class citizen......
When I live in a country that won't allow me to defend myself in the court of law without a man to represent me. I feel like a second class citizen......
When I live in a country that won't allow a woman to defend me in the court of law just cause she is a woman. I feel like a second class citizen......
When I live in a country that prosecute me for being raped. I feel like a second class citizen......
When I live in a country that allow me to be separated form my husband against my well just for being less than me socially or from a different religious sect. I feel like a second class citizen......
When I live in a country that won't allow me to participate in politics just cause I'm a women. I feel like a second class citizen......
When I live in a country that allow a complete stranger tell me what's appropriate to wear as Muslim girl and what's not and give him the right to incarnate me for it. I feel like a second class citizen......
When I live in a country that won't give my children the citizenship just cause their father is a foreigner . I feel like a second class citizen......
When I live in a country that teach me in school that I'm irrational and less of a Muslim than a man or that my work is one of the causes of male unemployment. I feel like a second class citizen......
When I live in a country where a male guardian is required to give signed permission in order for me to travel. I feel like a second class citizen......
When I live in a country that allow me to fly an airplane but won't allowed me to drive a car :S. I feel like a second class citizen......

When I live in a society that can accept women success in various fields, but cannot accept seeing or coming into direct contact with them. I feel less of a human....
Now show me you comment and lets hope that this post won't be blocked :D ......

End of a Friendship :/

End of dreams, end of happiness, end of friendship, and end of life. All things must come to an end some day. This is how god intended it to be, if you believe in one....

Why do we need a friend?
The truth is we don't. Your life will go just fine, in fact there will be no problem but yours, no tears but yours, no smile but yours, and most definitely no fun at all. If you think that your life without a friend is better, this mean you never had a real friend yet. It will be easier, I will give you that but it will be a lonely miserable one. If you say not true, I will tell you have not found the real friend yet.

How many do you need?
It's not about the quantity, it's about the quality. Most of us mix the word friend with a lot of words, like school mates, coworkers, or even cosines and I don't mean that those people can not be your friend, just don't say my friend when you mean some thing else.

Who is my friend?
My friend is someone who accept me the way I am with all my faults, sins, mistakes, and virtues. Who can tell me the truth even if hurts me. Who will stand up to me when I am at fault , just as he/she will stand up to defined me. Whom I can be stupid and silly around without feeling worry of what he/she might thinks of me. Someone who is welling to be give me as much as i gave him/ her honesty and clarity. Someone whom I can cry on without feeling a shamed. Someone who will let me make mistakes but won't let me go so far with them.

All good thing must come to an end....
It's the unavoidable reality of life, everything must come to an end. For some reason, when we have a friend we need to, we love to believe, that he/she will be your/my friend forever. Friendship is just like marriage, if u don't pick up the signs and fix the flaws, it will fall apart. If you don't give it all what you got and be honest to your self "first" and to your friend, it will fall apart. And if you lost a friend, don't give up hope cause when one door close the wind will open another which might even better. So, Don't give up on your self and don't give up on your friend.

I want you all to answer these questions...
Who do you call a friend?
Do you think that friends are replaceable?
What is the deal breaker for you in a friendship?

The Confession

To late to say I love you, too late to say sorry, too late to say goodbye, we are always late for something, somewhere, or someone. The funny part is we invented time, we gave it a name and we gave it the value. So, when did we stopped owning it?!, when did we let it take control and I did it again "when".
Have you ever wondered, how did people live before the invention of time? is it the numbers on a clock or is it the changing of day to night and night to day that sets the beginning of a new day?. Why is it the morning that sets it, why not night?!

I know I ask a lot of "Question" but I'm not looking for an answer to a dilemma. Only wondering why?! trying to make this engine run again :S
For some reason I feel like I'm losing against time, it and I fought for so long. Sometimes I lose sometimes it win, no i did not make a mistake here. I don't think we can win with time we can only tie with it because eventually we will run out of time :S .

Why this post ?
I run out of time and could not apologize to her. She's dead now, her time have run out. My time have run out. I said what I said and I don't regret it. Only I wish I could feel what every normal person supposed to feel. I wish I could feel something....

She....
She was not my friend only someone I knew but I think she thought I was more. A mother of two angels, had a nice loving husband, a dear sister, and a father with a big heart. They will miss her...
She was strong, brave, irrational, and stupid at times but she made a decision and stuck to it. I wish I could say more but i did not know her enough.

I can't help but think.....
What if I was nicer to her, what if I showed some care. The truth is I can't...
Maybe because I'm heartless, emotionless, maybe cause I'm not human enough, maybe cause I thought I was better than her, maybe cause I was miserable and I want her to feel the same.
Pleas don't try to make me feel better or say that I'm a good person at heart. I know I'm not, at least I might not have a heart that work like the rest of you.

So now....
Maybe after this the voices will stop.

Lollipop :D

I know this post will be hated from Rum Rum and Ms. S but I believe it's a topic worth looking at and discussing it. If you think I should not talk about it you are allowed to say so but pleas tell your reason for that, and if you have something to say just say it with respect.....

Those who know me, know that I'm addicted to two things Coffee and Lollipops. Unfortunately, eating lollipops, for some reason, is not socially accepted as drinking coffee in public :S . I learned what it meant exactly when I heard Lil'Wayne song Lollipop and I think it's a disgusting song :@ . However, it got me thinking at what age an image of a girl with a lollipop stop being cute and start getting encrypted with sexuality. Also, who made that meaning and when??!

Would you eat a lollipop in public??! what do you think when you see a girl or a boy doing it ??! at what age do you think a girl or a boy should stop eating lollipops in public??!

Regarding me, I will eat them in public cause I believe that a perverted person will find something to be perverted about and it does not have to be my lollipop. As far to why I love them, when I have a lollipop in my mouth I'm back to that age where I had no worries, where the border of reality and an imagination dissolve, when I believed that my parents knew all life secrets, and to the time when I was real.....

So, why do I have to hide it ?! why do I have to be ashamed of who I'm ?! why do I have to pretend that I'm someone else for people to respect me?!

Finally, what did you think when you first saw me eating a lollipop? pleas tell the truth :P

It's a Party in My Head - Part 2

People this is not a drill. I'm hearing voices, so run for your life. Nooo, it's just a joke :D but my friend Ms. Rum Rum thinks I should not say thing like that cause people will believe it. Now, me being so twisted, I was like so what?! i don't care. I never claimed to be sane nor I ever wanted to be one. I have learned that all the crazy people are at peace and the so called sane one are not. I honestly believe that it's because we all are fucked up inside and the different between the sane and the crazy individual is that crazy people have stopped pretending they are fine while the sane ones still struggling with reality. Let's not take this any longer and go to our topic which is the people in my head...

Last time it told you I manged to make one of them cry and ever since I had a crying voice and two arguing in the back of my head. However, for some reason I am starting to get used to their present in my head but the headache still kills me sometimes. Anyway, I still have a couple of voices free hours every now and then and instead of enjoying them i decided to try talking to them when the are quite. So, this is what happened.....

My voice: will you nice voices in my head talk to me?! pleas :)
...... "nothing"
My voice: I'm welling to listen I swear :D
...... "nothing"
My voice: either one of you answer or I'm going to smash my head into the wall :@ I'm serious.
as I was about to bang my head into my bedroom wall....
Voice no.2: STOP!, don't do it you will hurt your head.
My voice: why do you care it's my head, and don't pretended that you care cause if you did you would not have drove me to the edge of insanity :@
Voice no.2: I'm sorry but you brought it on your self .
My voice: sure I did by talking to you :@>>> I'm really cranky :S
Voice no.2: you asked to talk, I did not start the conversation, you did.
My voice: really, are you going to play this game with me.
Voice no.2: I don't play games, I only state facts.
My voice: I like that but I hate you , anyway who the hell I'm talking to this time??!
Voice no.2: I'm someone you now and cherish :)
My voice: :S, will give me a break. I'm talking to my self .
Voice no.2: hahaha, well I thought you would recognize me right away but I understand you must be tired . I'm the sound of reason and logic .
My voice: No joke, really there is something really wrong with me.
Voice no.2: I know .
My voice: :@ OK, give me a logical explanation to what is happening to me :S
Voice no.2: well you see, you are me and I'm part of you. I can not know what you don't know nor I can tell you what you don't want to hear.
My voice: so, basically you are of no good to me, are you?! let me speak to someone else.
Voice no.2: :S you manged to break your heart and the other one is still mad at you
My voice: who is the other one ??
Voice no.2: of course you don't know cause you never care.
My voice: either you talk to me or I will crack my head open :@
Voice no.2: easy girl, there is no need for threats. the other one is your conscience and the reason why we were arguing is cause it want to die.
My voice: I thought I killed it already :S why it still there?
Voice no.2: you are one hopless girl
My voice: I know :D
Voice no.3: why do you hate me so much :'(
My voice: who are you ? I can't see you remember.
Voice no.3: I'm your conscience....
My voice: Oh, still there just go and kill your self, will you?!>>>> suddenly the noise got louder and louder .
My voice: stop just stop, I'm sorry just stop it.>>> it stopped
Voice no.2: you can't live without conscience you know that, don't you ?!
My voice: I know :@ but I wish I could cause then i won't have any worries or fears ...
Voice no.2: is that what you really think ? your conscience is not the source of your fears and worries. It comes from your actions and reflected on your conscience not the other way around .
My voice: WoW you are good :) OK, so what is the problem with my "conscience" ?! why it want to die?
Voice no.2: cause your conscience thinks you don't care for him .
My voice: it's true, I don't, what's new about that :S
Voice no.2: well, if you are not welling to do the right thing we will stay arguing until you reach an answer.
My voice: is that a threat :@
Voice no.2: No, but no one can help you if you are not welling to help your self.
My voice: there is no winning with you , is it ?
Voice no.2: can any one win an argument with them self !!
My voice: OK, so what I'm supposed to do ?
Voice no.2: you know the answer to that...
My voice: confess my sins, is that it ?
Voice no.2: your conscience just want a relief, any kind of relief.
My voice: OK, tell my conscience I will confess very soon but not today.
I promise.....

Brain Person VS. Heart Person

I saw ROROmania , Princess, and Jaz sitting together so I thought 'll drop by and say hi. I went to them and we started talking and i asked RORO if she read my blog. She thought it was good but she did not expect that me a 'brain person" as she described it will fall in love. I got defensive and said" falling in love is part of being human and being a person who uses his/her head or heart does not make you immune to it". We started discussing what it meant to be a heart or a brain person then I added " I think i have a topic for my next post".....

Heart VS. Brain persona
I tried to give a definition but I couldn't so I will just try to list the differences and see what I can come up with.
In case of meeting new people...
A heart person tries to figure out what is his/her feeling about that person. Where, a brain person try to understand that person.
In case of falling in love....
both can fall in love but a brain person struggle to understand why he/she fell in love and how. Where a heart person just accept it and enjoy it while it's possible.
In case of sacrifices...
Both are capable of sacrifice but a brain person will try to count his/her losses before doing that and might take in consideration, if this person I'm going to sacrifice for is worth it or not. However, heart person can not do that. In fact, heart person my sacrifices even if he/she was sure that the person to be sacrifice for is not worth it.
In case of getting hurt...
both can get hurt but a brain person maybe get hurt less because he/she can use their logic e.g if it hurts just walk away. A heart person will always get hurt and if you where a woman and a heart person then you are doomed to get hurt cause most men are within the brain persona and those try to understand emotion not feel it.

Now i will try to define them...
Heart person: is someone who fallow the sound of his emotions, impulsive, a masochistic to some extent, but always enjoy life .
Brain person: is someone who use logic, try to understand life rather than live it, fallow the sound of reason and always try to cut his/ her losses short.

In the end,
There is no just heart or brain person we all are mix of both and maybe one more than the other. Try and find which fits you more maybe then you will find more understanding to who you are?!>>> speaking like a true brain person XD .